If You Had Controlling Parents. How to Make Peace with Your Past and Take Your Place in the World

Editorial Review

Do you sometimes feel as if you are living your life to please others? Do you give other people the benefit of the doubt but second-guess yourself? Do you struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, lack of confidence, emotional emptiness, or eating disorders? In your intimate relationships, have you found it difficult to get close without losing your sense of self?

If so, you may be among the fifteen million adults in the United States who were raised with unhealthy parental control. In this groundbreaking bestseller by accomplished family therapist Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., you'll discover whether your parents controlled eating, appearance, speech, decisions, feelings, social life, and other aspects of your childhood—and whether that control may underlie problems you still struggle with in adulthood. Packed with inspiring case studies and dozens of practical suggestions, this book shows you how to leave home emotionally so you can improve assertiveness, boundaries, and confidence, quiet you "inner critics," and bring more balance to your moods and relationships. Offering compassion, not blame, Dr. Neuharth helps you make peace with your past and avoid overcontrolling your children and other loved ones.

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Customer Reviews

Excellent book!

2004-12-08
After 35 years of being controlled in subtle and manipulative ways (but never verbally or physically abused), I finally broke free from my controlling parent. The process was painful, but short, and now we have a wonderful HEALTHY relationship.

Moving and practical

2004-09-09
The stories in the book are touching and I believe everybody with psychological or self-esteem matters can find in it something he/she can relate to. Its biggest virtue is that it provides the first systemization of psychological cruelty and thoughtlessness in parent-child relationships which can also be applied to all, even adult relations where physical coercion and reality corruption is involved. You can go through the extensive checklists and find a lot to reflect upon your past, analyze it, and finally let it go.

fantastic book

2004-05-21
This book was written for those of us who grew up in an unhealthy environment, and had parents who controlled us in unhealthy ways. The author emphasizes working through our issues as adults, not playing "blame games." Interviews with people from all walks of life are liberally quoted throughout each chapter.

What makes this book exceptional is that the author is advocating education and change, not revenge. He shows how examining your parents' history in detail can help you heal and move forward as a fully functioning adult free to make decisions based on something else than what your parents' would say.

Controlling parents don't have to be outwardly abusive nor do they always have malevolent intentions towards their children. However, trauma stays with a person and its after-effects can be passed on to the next generation.

The author clearly contrasts unhealthy with healthy parenting and offers checklists to help the reader. He explores why people overcontrol, and he provides exercises to help the reader work through his or her feelings. Most helpfully, he reiterates that it was not the reader's fault, and it is not required that the reader change - but if he or she begins to explore that possibility, it can lead to great rewards.

If you had controlling parents - please read this book 2004-05-17
If you had controlling parents, this book is one that you must read! It is indeed a life changing book.
This book is written with compassion, personal experience and years of research.
Controlling parenting and the effects on the psyche of the adult of such a childhood is enormous. However, this topic is not one that is often discussed. Therefore, adults of such childhood experiences often dwell with personal problems that are not understood within the proper context.
This book will lead you on a journey of self-discovery. It will tie together loose ends and make sense of unresolved issues and personal struggles. Dr. Neuharth helps the reader to understand that whatever personal issues they are facing, they can and will overcome them. The book discusses the different paths/resources one can take to begin the journey toward wholeness and health and encourages the reader to begin that journey.
The real work must be done once someone completes the book. They must decide what path they will choose to heal from their controlling childhoods and begin that journey.
Hats off to Dr. Neuharth for writing such a comprehensive compassionate and informative book that will set all who read it on the path to personal freedom and growth.

This book helped me tremendously 2004-05-16
This is the only book that I have read regarding growing up in a painful childhood that made complete sense to me. I couldn't believe how much I related. Before I read the book, I was asking myself if I had an abusive childhood. After all, my parents were always telling me that they loved me. But, they only said it with words, never showed it with actions. I was not physically or sexually abused. I was emotionally abused and severly neglected. It all made sense to me when I realized the controlling nature of my parents fit into the abuse category. I strongly identified with this book. I realized that I was right in my feelings that I had an unhealthy childhood. This book was very validating and liberating for me and it was easy to read. It was not filled with a bunch of over-my-head language. I read this book about 5 or so years ago, I think. But, it has been an invaluable resource for me.(...)When I need more information or resources, I usually end up on his website.

Controlling Parents 2007-12-31
In some way, I think everyone must have had controlling parents to an extent. This book helped me to see where my mother controlled me and how. It also gave me insight as to why she was the way she was and still is. As a single mother myself now being widowed for 3 years, I learned from this book what a normal, non-controlling parent can be.

Controlling Parents? Inside view... 2007-05-21
I was amazed at how well the book was able to take specific situtations and relate them to how they could come about from childhood experiences so well. No only was the author able to match the response to current events to specific type of parental controls growing up, but also the feelings present in both situations. The options and tools suggested were clear, workable, and didn't make you feel like you were always going to be a victim or helpless to overcome the problem. It you were under a strict rule, abused, or in any way still dealing with childhood issues haunting you, this book might just give you some insight into making the best of the situations.

Real Good Orientation 2006-11-06
If you've been trying to figure out in vain how to get along with your dominating parents without giving up your own life and space, go and get this book. It's one of those that can actually make a difference in your life due to its exact observations, complex explications and realistic approaches. It surely got me on the right track.

Free yourself! 2006-08-30
Even if you are advanced in your recovery, this is a fantastic book to read to see the subtleties in the way an unhealthy upbringing affects your current realtionships. The author lists all the different types of controlling parents and the way they leave us feeling. He offers stories of several other people that may have similar experiences to your own.

Very easy to read, and a way to escape the hold of a controlling & abusive parent.

If you had controlling Parents: How to make peace with your past and take your place in the world 2006-03-28
It is and excellent book to read to learn about your past and not struggle any longer wether it be about you or not.