Editorial Review
This unique book supports parents who are struggling with the heartache of having a teenager or an adult child who is troubled, angry, or distant. Such rifts can cause unspeakable sorrow that parents too often must bear alone. Psychologist and parent Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., offers insight, empathy, and perspective to those who have lost the opportunity to be the parent they desperately wanted to be and who are mourning the loss of a harmonious relationship with their child. Through case examples and healing exercises, Dr. Coleman helps parents:
- Reduce anger, guilt, and shame
- Learn how temperament, the teen years, their own or a partner's mistakes, and divorce can strain the parent-child bond
- Come to terms with their own and their child's imperfections
- Maintain self-esteem through difficult times
- Develop strategies for rebuilding the relationship or move toward acceptance of what can't be changed
- Understand how society's high expectations of parents contribute to the risk of parental wounds
By helping parents recognize what they can do, and let go of what they cannot, Dr. Coleman helps families develop more positive ways of healing themselves and relating to each other.
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Customer Reviews
Too little too late 
2008-01-14
Coleman deserves a medal for being the first therapist to openly declare what amounts to heresy in our child-centric society: Parents are not solely responsible for how their children turn out. Unfortunately, the self-help packaging of the book, which corrals the author's expertise into useless exercises and trite platitudes, renders it too little too late. The audience who needs to hear this are the parents today (overwhelmingly mothers), trying to raise children right now, exhausted and awash in the guilt that they must be completely self-abnegating lest their children be scarred for life.
Disappointing for us . . . 
2008-01-09
I did not give this single star only because I think it will be good for some people, especially people who have little resources in terms of coming to terms with their own faults in their relationship with their kids, or those with little psychological experience, or those that are unhappy with who their children have become. However, the title suggests something quite different, and we bought this book because we are sad and grieving and wihtout support in terms of our dauighter walking away from us. We read the book, and have already done (with the help of a shrink) most of the things applicable in the book in terms of relating to her (she is anorexic, and so we have read many of those books), and are not disappointed in the child per se, so are not trying to PARENT her -- but we are grieving the loss of her in our lives, and found that his suggestions were poor. HOW TO DO SOME OF THE THINGS HE SUGGESTS ARE NOT IN THE BOOK -- like how do we find support? The truth is, that if you were a good parent (not saying perfect, but not ashamed of the choices we made and not afriad to to talk about them) and your child walks away from you, trying to find support with friends or other parents is not going to happen because they assume you were a monster! She did a number on us with the family, too, and so some of them think we did something to her. What can we say, if we are telling the truth? Nothing else. And so we suffer unsupported and isolated, and his book did not offer a nugget toward assisting us with our grief and isolation. It is tantamount to many grief books that say, "Just get happy!" THIS BOOK IS ABOUT PARENTING, NOT ABOUT PARENTS GRIEVING. And so, it is not a good book for what he says he is writing about.
A compassionate and caring author 
2007-12-21
I've been trying to finish this book and to write this review for some time. This is an important topic, one that doesn't occur to us when we are parents of kids who are growing up. As we read them stories as they go to sleep, drive them to band practice, teach them how to make cookies, share in the joy of their success at a skill or cry with them over a disappointment we don't think of the possibility that some day they will say, "I don't want to have anything more to do with you," and then you will never hear from them again. This does not cross our minds back then. Why would it? It seems IMPOSSIBLE!
I have a large selection of books on the subject of family estrangement. Some are written by parents. Some by mental health professionals who have also experienced estrangement. Some by people who just think they know what they are talking about and that they are qualified, for some reason, to give advice.
I think that Joshua Coleman's book, When Parents Hurt, is the most compassionate, the most understanding, and the wisest book on the topic of conflict and estrangement between parents and grown children. He covers many contributing factors to estrangement including differences in personality, overinvolvement by parents, perfectionism, mental illness, divorce, family history.
He covers more ground than any other book on this topic that I have read. He does so in a kind and compassionate way, attempting not to point fingers. He offers suggestions to parents for ways to communicate that might lead to resolution. Although the suggestions that he offers would be most helpful to those who are still able to communicate with each other. The suggestions could be particularly helpful to those who are having a conflict ridden relationship with their children that has not yet gotten to the point of complete estrangement.
For those parents who are experiencing complete estrangement from their grown children, there are some good suggestions for coping with the pain and for moving on. There is one chapter on that particular situation of being estranged by a grown child and not being able to reconnect. Since that is the situation that I am in myself, I wished there was more on that particular subject. There are a lot of parents whose children are far past their adolescence and who are far past the days when they were dealing with the difficulties of the teenage and young adult years. There are a lot of parents like me who miss having a relationship with their completely grown kids and who have been unable to reconnect no matter what they do.
I think that Coleman is making an overall suggestion of an attitude to take that will lead to less conflict and to reconciliations for some parents and grown children when the reasons behind the estrangement are not of the most serious kind. In the cases where those suggestions can't work, he offers some alternate suggestions for parents on coping with the pain and for getting on with their lives.
Great book! 2007-11-17
This book was exactly what I was looking for. Any parent in an estranged relationship with their child is in great pain and looking for something or someone to advice them on what to do. This book was a God-send for me!
when parents hurt 2007-09-22
it is a help book it gives me idea in what to do when my teen age son rebels.
I wish this book was available in audio 2008-07-26
I only gave 3 stars because I have not completed the book. What I have read so far has been good. If the book was available in audio I would have finished it by now.
must read 2008-04-12
Simply put- the best parenting book ever. Every parent should read this at least once during their journey as a parent. Different chapters apply to different challenges we face with our children. I wish I had found this book sooner.
When Parents Hurt 2008-01-21
Excellent source of information. Recommend to any parent that has or is having problems relating to their children of any age.
What I love about Dr. Coleman's books 2008-01-18
I am an adult and child psychiatrist who works a lot with families. This is the third book by Dr. Coleman (Imperfect Harmony, The Lazy Husband) which I have read and loved. The first two I have already recommended to patients and friends, and this one will soon be among them. Why?
Dr. Coleman takes a non-traditional approach to age-old problems that occur in families and marriages. In this desperately needed book he addresses the issue of estrangement, difficulties, and pain between parents and their teen and grown children. We all know of it. We all hear our friends talking about it. But for a therapist to write from the parents' point of view . . . groundbreaking.
I love the way Dr. Coleman uses humor and personal experiences to make his books friendly and not preachy or judgmental. I love the research he does, his curiosity and rigor. I love the basic optimism and humanity which comes across on every page. Dr. Coleman writes in such a user-friendly manner, the depth of thought and the integrity of his work can appear almost too simple. Do not be lulled into this point of view: his books hold up over time. They have the power to transform seemingly insurmoutable problems.
This is a book for, maybe, everyone with children. If your children are still young, it is a chance to be proactive in terms of staving off future problems. If you are in the midst of difficulties, it is timely and comforting and full of great suggestions for how to take care of your own peace of mind, and perhaps make some positive changes with your children. AND even if your relationship with your children seems great, it is worthwhile to think more deeply about why that is, and whether there might be some hidden problems which, if thought about, could make things even better.
In short, it is a truly great book for parents, and a great book for therapists who work with families.
I give if 5 stars! Do yourself a favor, get it!
Heather Folsom, MD.
Adult and Child Psychiatrist
I love this book 2008-01-17
This is an incredibly insightful and sensitively written analysis of a difficult subject --and one, I might add, that is unfortunately not at all uncommon. As a practicing psychologist, I have recommended it to many of my clients who are struggling with their relationship to their adult children, and have consistently received rave reviews from them. Most people are quick to judge and blame the parents for all problematic parent-child interactions, but Dr. Coleman opens up the topic and reveals its more subtle dimensions. He offers comforting and practical strategies for healing both the relationship and oneself. I highly recommend it to all parents who hurt.
