Becoming Attached. First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love

Editorial Review
The struggle to understand the infant-parent bond ranks as one of the great quests of modern psychology, one that touches us deeply because it holds so many clues to how we become who we are. How are our personalities formed? How do our early struggles with our parents reappear in the way we relate to others as adults? Why do we repeat with our own children--seemingly against our will--the very behaviors we most disliked about our parents? In Becoming Attached, psychologist and noted journalist Robert Karen offers fresh insight into some of the most fundamental and fascinating questions of emotional life.
Karen begins by tracing the history of attachment theory through the controversial work of John Bowlby, a British psychoanalyst, and Mary Ainsworth, an American developmental psychologist, who together launched a revolution in child psychology. Karen tells about their personal and professional struggles, their groundbreaking discoveries, and the recent flowering of attachment theory research in universities all over the world, making it one of the century's most enduring ideas in developmental psychology.
In a world of working parents and makeshift day care, the need to assess the impact of parenting styles and the bond between child and caregiver is more urgent than ever. Karen addresses such issues as: What do children need to feel that the world is a positive place and that they have value? Is day care harmful for children under one year? What experiences in infancy will enable a person to develop healthy relationships as an adult?, and he demonstrates how different approaches to mothering are associated with specific infant behaviors, such as clinginess, avoidance, or secure exploration. He shows how these patterns become ingrained and how they reveal themselves at age two, in the preschool years, in middle childhood, and in adulthood. And, with thought-provoking insights, he gives us a new understanding of how negative patterns and insecure attachment can be changed and resolved throughout a person's life.
The infant is in many ways a great mystery to us. Every one of us has been one; many of us have lived with or raised them. Becoming Attached is not just a voyage of discovery in child emotional development and its pertinence to adult life but a voyage of personal discovery as well, for it is impossible to read this book without reflecting on one's own life as a child, a parent, and an intimate partner in love or marriage.
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Customer Reviews

Terriffic !

2007-09-04
Fabulously informative book; great for the therapist, the lay person, the new parent or the adult looking to beter understand themsleves. Quite thorough and engaging. Wonderful, but serious read.

Attachment Theory in all it's glory ...

2007-08-21
What a terrific book ... all new parents should be issued a copy in birthing class!

Becoming Attached

2007-05-28
I am becoming very attached to this book! Robert Karen PhD is a stunning writer. His prose is clear, succinct, fair, honest and a delight to read. A non-expert would enjoy it as much as an experienced psychologist. A treat all round.

Totally Different Perspective

2006-11-26
This review probably won't do this book justice. I'm analytical, Master's Degree in Statistics kind of guy, yea, stoic. Psychology. Yea that stuff is for quacks. In graduate school I worked with enough of them trying to squeeze any interpretation out of their "data".

So I have one of those life altering experiences. I go to Iraq as a reservist, spend sixteen months away from my wife and job, come back to a wife that doesn't love me anymore and doesn't know if she can. PTSD, Generalized Anxiety, and Depression all in one. But other than the PTSD symptoms, all of the other things have constantly been in my life working mysteriously in the background.

I go to a shrink as my marriage has fallen apart and I have no one to talk to and she brings up Attachment. I have never heard of it, so the scientist in me wants to learn anything and everything before our next meeting. I next day this book and begin reading "my life away" online and in the book. Or more apropriately "reading my life back." I'm fitting into this mold that is everything I don't want to be, but am and jealous of the mold that is everything that I am not, I'm being divorced by a woman that has been hardening my mold for the last 5 years. This book altered my perspective on so many things. I identified with so many others. It gave me a framework and definitions for defense mechanisims like (passive agressiveness and sublimation), a way to look at my childhood, and although the odds are against me being Ambivalently Attached and seeking Secure Attachment, I can now somewhat accurately "self-reflect" on my life experiences.

I won't lie, reading the history was kind of drab (I read math books for a living that isn't much more exciting), but I can't say pick up this book and start with chapter 7 or something like that. The history gives you a working perspective, something like "at least that didn't happen to me" but then it starts to come into more practicable situations and you start to piece how you fit into the reading. Taking and owning what is yours and totally psychoanalyzing your friends and in my case the divorcing spouse.

The chapter that "WOW"d me the most was Chapter 26 Repetition and Change: Working Through Insecure Attachment. After I was able to piece the picture together of my life and what extent of the symptoms and other things in my life that have related to the entire book thus far. This chapter has given me some hope. Some hope of finding out who I really am and exploring my sloshing bucket of memories for what decisions I have made and what decisions I am making by trying X+Y=Z over and over again instead of tring something like B/Q=A.

This review still does not do this book justice, but I'll put it out there, but it is what it is. If you don't believe in psychobabble and are a hard "nut" to crack, read this book! I have looked down at psycholgists most of my life, like they settled on an "Easier" career because they weren't good enough for a "Real" one. Well I can honestly admit and apologize to any that I may have convinced, that I could not have been more from the truth.

I'm not going to switch careers or anything, but I now have a reference in wich to self reflect and "get a grip!"

NCMom

2006-08-20
This book explained so much! Growing up with foster parents and no consistent parenting has made life confusing. Its been interesting to read that any adult, even the adults with the same parents from birth also have attachment issues. This is the first book I have found that explains how someone's childhood dramatically affects our ability to attach to our own children. Every parent I know wants to give their children their best and this book shows me how anyone understand ALL the sides of attachment disorder. Most of the books I have found have only explained why a child is not able to attach. What a relief to understand the whole subject.

Book Review on "Becoming Attached"

2008-04-28
This is an amazing book which was recommended to me by a friend who works in Child Protection - the parents of the children have mental health issues which range from learning disabilities to more extreme personality disorders. She sees babies and toddlers who have been abused through neglect; absence of communication; verbal, emotional, physical and sexual abuse. The children suffer a range of disorders from the physical to mental, emotional and social as a result, yet all have degrees of attachment to their abusers, ambivalent attachment and codependency and the patterns of how they are likely to develop are easy to see manifesting in the child that will become the adult if there is no early intervention, if the relationships were to continue between child and parent and if there is a lack of awareness or ability as a growing adult to consciously make efforts to change habitual patterns. This book covers all of these themes. Moreover in the seemingly relatively normal upbringing of a child and then the adult who looks retrospectively at their own childhood and their present relationship with their own children similar issues arise which affect their ability or capacity to love or show an ability to love. This book causes one to self-reflect, analyse and ponder quite deeply how we love because of how we were loved or what we understood or perceived love to be.

Amazing Insight to understanding others

2008-03-26
I just finished this book about two weeks ago and I want to read it again. Although the book at times is a little technical, it is perfect for anyone interested in understanding people. Although the book is primarily about child development, Robert Karen adds amazing insights throughout that are absolutley mind boggling. I would highly recommend this to everyone because you will not only understand others, but you will understand yourself. Absolutely love it!

an illuminating guide that does not underestimate the intelligence of the reader

2008-01-16
I'm about 2/3 of the way through this, and I must say: I am very impressed. You can learn a lot more from this book about childrearing and how to bring children up to be secure, confident adults that you can from most of the pop psychology and parenting books which present the fad of the day or some catchy opinion that has not been backed up by scientific research. Karen has a rare combination of professional expertise, a wide command of the extensive literature relating to early childhood including psychoanalytic, a real gift for writing, and a willingness to not dodge difficult issues and to be entirely forthright with the reader, without ever underestimating the intelligence of the reader to grapple with the issues he brings up and form their own conclusions. The book does get a bit dense towards the middle, including info that the layperson probably wouldn't want to bother with, but he never loses the narrative thread and I kept reading and learning and being grateful he did such a thorough and well-reasoned job of presenting all this material.

Great Read

2008-01-05
This easy to read book is a good review to those who have backgroud in psychology. It is also a good read for those who are looking for a great introduction of just how important early relationships are. Dr. Karen does a masterful job of presenting complicated material in an easy to read historical narrative style. I have given copies to my friends in the helping professions who report back to me their gratitude for reminding them what is important in life: relationships!

Fascinating, readable study

2007-11-19
A therapist friend suggested this book. I was surprised and pleased to find it so easy to read. I am kind of grateful, however, that my children are somewhat older now. If I had read this while they were still toddlers, I think it would have pushed me quite over the edge!

But even more than the early separation material, about which I can only say (as most parents, hopefully), "I did my best"; the material on the effects of parental intrusion, and of not allowing children to work things out themselves, is very, very helpful.

This book is really a treasure.