Customer Reviews
Life Changing 
2005-03-07
This book has been so very helpful in figuring out both my past and present relationship with my mother. In addition, it has helped in dealing with her and other mothers in my life. It also helps me to be the best mother I can be to my young children. It is a must read for anyone that struggles with the "mothers" in their life.
Non-Christians BEWARE 
2004-11-09
This book is SO full of Christian reference and biblical mumbo-jumbo that it is worthless to anyone who is not Christian. The preview pages available to view are EXTREMELY misleading as to the content of the majority of the book. If you are not a Christian, save your money.
Practical & Biblically Based Help for Adult Children 2004-10-16
Drs. Cloud and Townsend are Christian psychologists who are very well known in the Christian community. They are popular speakers and co-hosts of the nationally broadcast New Life radio program. They are best-selling authors of a number of books, including the very popular "Boundaries" series.
The authors explain how the mother you had (and have!) influences the adult you are today. They help you to transform the effects of the past and re-build your adulthood, which may or may not include your mother. Feelings of resentment, sadness, anger and grief are not resolved by denying them, they must be processed and worked through. We must watch out for our tendencies to resist adulthood, freedom, and equality and to return to the child position with our mother figures.
Different types of mothers and their emotional problems and effects on us are discussed in detail, as well as how to deal with them. These include the China Doll Mom, the Controlling Mom, the Trophy Mom , the American Express Mom, and the Still-The-Boss Mom.
Inappropriate reactions of other relatives are included. For instance, in the China Doll Mom chapter, we are taught that any attempt to communicate directly with Mom about your relationship is fraught with danger because she will often be in tears, upset, or out of the room before you have completed your first sentence. "The adult child feels guilty for `hurting mom,' especially if other siblings fuse with mom's self-victimization. The rest of the clan is often unable to understand the control and manipulation behind mom's demeanor. The siblings will then unite against the "black sheep" who is so mean to mother. In this way, they are able to displace their own frustration with mom onto a safe target: the child who tries to reconcile honestly."
There are a number of Scriptural references to teach us how to respond, for instance, by challenging or rebelling against improper authority, taking stewardship over our own lives, and understanding that we do have choices which, although they may disappoint or anger others, are the best options for our own welfare. Although we often inwardly disagree with our mothers' behavior, "It is important to outwardly disagree, confront, refuse evil, and stand against wrongdoing. You can learn to change your silent no to an audible one."
There are many suggestions for improving our adult relationship with our mothers, setting boundaries, learning to say "No", and protecting ourselves. This book helps us to understand that these actions are Biblically based and NOT un-Christian-like. The author's teach us that the child needs to discover God's path for herself, not her parent's preordained plan for her life. Some mothers overestimate their role of authority- God created an authority structure from HIMSELF on down. A grown child no longer submits to her mother's authority. GOD WILL ULTIMATELY BE THE CHILD'S ONLY PARENT.
If Mom is not interested in seeing you as an equal, you will be taught to set limits, including limits on how much exposure to Mom you will endure, what subjects you will or will not discuss, etc. The Mom Factor gives us permission to accept and be at peace with our mother's anger at our growing independence. She will be frustrated because she can no longer control you, and you will learn to "Let her be who she is: someone who wants something she cannot have."
In my ministry work with adult daughters of controlling or abusive birth-families (see Luke 17:3 Minstries website), I have found this book to be an invaluable resource. Adult children so much need to understand that to be treated with respect and kindness by those they love is their right, and that it is Biblically "okay" to protect themselves from abuse. I highly recommend this book, as well as "Boundaries", to those who are struggling with family power and control issues.
God intended us to be free! It is up to each one of us to reach out and claim the freedom he offers us. "They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me. Plowmen have plowed my back and made their furrows long. But the Lord is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked"...Psalm 129: 2-4.
AMAZING BOOK 2004-02-17
This was a wonderfully enlightening book for anyone who struggles with a mother/daughter relationship! I FOREVER struggled with my mother.... I heard about this book on a Christian talk radio.... IF you have issues with your mother THIS IS THE BOOK!!!! It teaches you so much about the dynamics involved in our mothers! It has not only taught me to be a better mother to my children, but that you can get the nurturing you need from OTHERS not JUST YOUR MOTHER! I have grown so much from this book and I have purchased it for many of my friends as well DEFINATELY WORTH THE READ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If You Have Mom Issues, Gotta Read This Book 2004-01-13
This book explained so many things regarding my dysfunctional relationship with my mom. I tend to be a rather technical, factual type reader and I found myself nearly crying because it seems that Cloud/Townsend wrote this book especially for me. I think my mom was a combination of all but one of the dysfunctional moms. No wonder why I'm so messed up.
They gave good suggestions how to turn around the relationship realistically. They didn't say all would be all better, but they said it would take work, and even in some cases, the relationship may be so torn that it would be hard to repair. They also gave practical suggestions how we can avoid being these dysfunctional type moms.
After reading that book, I identified how I was a combination of 2 different mom types and how to stop these behaviors before I negatively impact my 2 young children. I will reread as the kids get older just to ensure I don't repeat my mom's mistakes.
Totally excellent book!!!
some good ideas and insight 
2008-05-05
I read this book primarily to study and implement what was written about "The Phantom Mom". The information was satisfactory and insightful, but I thought that perhaps more could be said about the solution phase or implementing the plans of action. The symptoms the authors gave were spot on. I grew up without a mother and the symptoms of having a phantom mom were so fitting that it looked like I was reading my life story. Basically, the only solution the authors suggest is to seek out friends who have what one has missed growing up without a mother. It's overly simplified because as was mentioned in the book people like me who've grown up without a mom have severe relational problems. What I think should have been emphasized about the phantom mom offspring is that we should practice eliciting what we want from others more (i.e. warmth and empathy, nonintrusiveness, mutual dependency, honesty).
Overall, it's a good book and if one has intentions on working hard to transform themselves then it can work but don't expect change to happen overnight nor should you just use this book as the only reference.
not so sure 
2008-04-06
At first I was excited about this book. Now, I am not so sure. I think they are ignoring the cultural bias we have in america towards independence from family. Their work does not seem to be based on clinical research, but just experience in therapy. Many of the outcomes are the same.... anxiety, depression. There are many reasons for one to experience such difficulties, not just mom. The book contributes to the mom bashing we already hear about in therapy. It does call for some responsibility on the reader's part to change, but not enough. Aren't we supposed to honor our parents? They do not operate in a vacuum. We helped create our own existence. Wondering how biblical this book is really.... It really is just a pop psychology book with little substance to back it. It may be helpful for some self awareness, but like I said.... not so sure.
Its alright 2007-05-30
I think this book will be great for some people, but it really didn't help me all that much. The different mothers hardly applied to my situation with my own mother. The controlling chapter fit a little bit, but all it talked about was "learning to say no" and finding your identity. I was the one who rebelled, and I held onto my identity very well. The mothers in this book were much more loving than mine was. It would have been nice if they talked about mothers who were verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. Where's the "Bi-Polar Mom" in this book?? From a real young age (around 7) I teamed up with God determined to turn out just fine. I even grew up setting my own boundries & parented myself (ex: I wouldn't allow myself to see PG13 movies until I was 13... my mom however could have cared less). I read this in attempt to understand why my mother does the things she does. I've tried to reconcile with my mother, but she refuses to have a relationship with me at all. My mother has resented me since childhood, and even now shes in an imaginary war with me. I'll probably give the book to one of my friends or sell it to half-price books.
Understand your mom, and yourself as a mom! 2007-03-07
I picked up this book to help me deal with my elderly mother. I had an abusive upbringing and need to come to terms with it. This book was awesome! It doesn't blame the mother at all, but gives help to the adult child on how to compensate for what mom didn't have to give. It was also invaluable to me to see mistakes I am making with my own children, and how to correct them. I will say, the book does get pretty deep into psychology...some parts are a difficult read.
This Book Will Change Your Life! 2006-02-25
For so long I've mostly heard about how important a father is in a child's development. I've never heard anyone else speak about how profound the mother's role is in the child's devlopment like this book does. I feel like I've gone to the eye doctor and have been given new glasses to see more clearly with. I think this book is core reading for anybody who wants to understand why they are the way they are. Like the back cover of the book says, "She shaped you in ways that would surprise you both."
