Making Up with Mom. Why Mothers and Daughters Disagree About Kids, Careers, and Casseroles and What to Do About It

Editorial Review

Young women today have infinitely more options than their mothers and grandmothers did decades ago. “Should I become a doctor, a writer, or a stay-at-home mom?” “Should I get married or live with my boyfriend?” “Do I want children?” Women in their twenties, thirties, and forties today are wrestling with life-altering decisions about work and family—and they need all the support they can get.
            But the very person whose support they crave most—their mother—often can’t get on board, and a rift is created between the two generations, even for women who have always had a strong relationship.
            A mother’s simple question, like “How can you trust a nanny to watch your children all day?” can bring her poised, accomplished CEO daughter to tears, or provoke a nasty response more suitable to a surly teenager than a leader of industry. Why can’t mothers and daughters today see eye to eye when it comes to important choices about love, work, children, money, and personal fulfillment? Why does a mother’s approval matter so much, even to the most confident and self-possessed daughter? And when daughters choose paths different from their mothers’, why is it so painful for the older generation?
            Making Up with Mom answers these important questions by focusing on three core issues: dating/marriage, career, and child rearing. Relying on interviews with nearly a hundred mothers and daughters, and offering helpful tips from more than two dozen therapists, Julie Halpert and Deborah Carr explore a wide range of communication issues and how to resolve them, so mothers and daughters everywhere can reclaim their loving relationships. This enlightening book is a must-read for all women today.

Advance Praise for Making Up with Mom

“A sympathetic, helpful, and accurate look at a topic that affects us all and grows more important every day.” —Kathleen Gerson, professor of sociology at New York University and author of Hard Choices: How Women Decide About Work, Career, and Motherhood

“A well-written, thoughtful book that could help every mother and daughter connect—or reconnect—at a deeper, more fulfilling level.” —Alvin Rosenfeld, M.D., coauthor of The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper-Parenting Trap and lecturer at Harvard Medical School

“If Nancy Friday’s My Mother, My Self helped a generation of daughters understand their conflicted relationships with their mothers almost thirty years ago, Making Up with Mom may well be the book that helps mothers and daughters today understand both themselves and each other. It is a book I’ve been waiting for.” —Deborah Siegel, Ph.D., author of Sisterhood, Interrupted: From Radical Women to Grrls Gone Wild

“Making Up with Mom is a must-read for women who want better relationships with their mothers or daughters (or both!). The book is chock-full of support and good sound advice, culled from the authors’ interviews with many women across generations. . . . This practical book considers many of the most important issues that women face, and in so doing it invites the readers, both mothers and daughters, to find ways to relate to each other in healthier and more effective ways. . . . A good, thorough read.” —Dr. Dorothy Firman, coauthor of Daughters and Mothers: Making It Work, Chicken Soup for the Mother & Daughter Soul, and Chicken Soup for the Father & Son Soul

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Customer Reviews

A logical analysis of very emotional situations

2008-04-28
As someone who has had to decide between work and 'traditional' motherhood I really found this to be a well-written and thoughtful book. I could associate with many of the stories and it made me think about many of my own decisions in life. The book offers a rational and logical analysis of situations where emotions sometimes run wild.

Very touching and informative

2008-04-28
I'm usually not a big fan of these types of books but after a friend told me about it I bought it. Very glad I did because it was one of the better books I have read in the past few years. I could really relate to many of the situations described and found myself laughing and tearing up soon after. Lent it to my mom and she likes it also -- she's about halfway through and we've already discussed some of the situations in the book -- which has led to discussions about the book and our relationship. Strongly recommended

A helpful book

2008-04-28
My congrats to the authors for writing such a well-researched, clear, and concise book for the general population. As a first-time mom of a 3-month old girl, I think this book will be helpful in our future relationship as well as maintaining my own healthy relationship with my mother. Highly recommend!

I'm so grateful for my OWN mom

2008-04-27
I saw the book in Newsweek and was curious to read it. I loved this book -- it made me feel very lucky to have the great & understanding mom I have. Lots of interesting stories about moms who don't like their daughter's husband, job, hair style, etc. I couldn't believe some of the things the daughters did, either! But, the book is very fair-minded and offers lots of helpful tips to both moms & daughters. I think my mom will get a kick out of this book, especially the quiz.

So relevant to my life, it's spooky

2008-04-27
I have conflicts with my mother exactly like the scenarios described in the book. I care so much about what my mother thinks about me and my decisions about work and family that her relatively innocent comments resonate for days. Making Up With Mom helped me realize that I'm not alone and gave good practical advice about how to diffuse hurt feelings. Highly recommended.

Empathy and Understanding for Mothers

2008-04-29
An enjoyable, easy-to-read book filled with practical advice that fosters more effective communication. I appreciated the empathy the authors and professionals displayed for all of the women in a variety of circumstances. I read the book just before my mother visited and I know we enjoyed each other more partly as a result. I recommend the book to those with strong bonds with their mothers and those who struggle with their moms.

What a great book for mothers and daughters!

2008-04-28
I pre-ordered this book because I was looking for a resource for better understanding my relationship with my mom. It was a great read - and it is a book that I know I will read again.

This book hit the mark for me because it provided incredible, well-researched, insight into the mother-daughter relationship. I enjoyed the fact that the interviews with mothers and daughters really brought the issues to life for the reader. The authors also had helpful, practical advice about how to bridge the generational gap which is where a lot of women and their mothers (or daughters) get hung up.

The last book that I learned this much from was Reviving Ophelia, by Mary Pipher. I plan to give this book as a gift to my mother (and my sister) for Mother's Day. This book has something for everyone.

Timely Advice

2008-04-28
I loved the book. I have often marveled at the difference between my mother's generational outlook and my own. Clearly we are at a turning point in history which can lead to different interpretations and reactions to similar events. Moms and Daughters share an eternal bond that need to grow, change and adapt to the times. A useful read for anyone interested in improving or just understanding maternal relationships. A perfect gift for mother's day and a great read for any book club.

Wonderful book about our mothers and ourselves

2008-04-28
I loved this book. I am very close with my mother and have never reflected too deeply on the dynamics of our relationship--what works, what doesn't work, and why, but reading this book made me laugh in recognition at the accounts of some of the misunderstandings and inadvertently hurt feelings. While laughing and enjoying the book, it also made me reflect with new appreciation of and insignt into how my mother's and my different life circumstances and choices have shaped us and our relationship--insights I fully expect will also be important for me and my daughter (I am going to be sure to read this book again in 20 or so years when my daughter will be 26.) I couldn't put the book down and afterwards immediately sent my mother an email urging her to read it. Next, I'll recommend it to my sister and my best friend (who chafes constantly at how little her mother understands the demands of her life).

Read before arguing with Mom AGAIN

2008-04-28
For as long as I can remember, I have bickered with my mom about how long to cook pasta, moving far away from family for work, and most recently choosing to raise my daughter alone. I think this book definitely hits on so many relevant issues that eat away at relationships between women like me and my mother. Thank you for offering practical advice to put the boxing gloves down. My mom and I are ready to call an emotional truce. I've already recommended this book to friends and we've decided to discuss it at our next book club. Thanks.