Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent . A Guide for Stressed Out Children

Editorial Review
Do You Have
An Aging Parent Who --

Blames you for everything that goes wrong?
Cannot tolerate being alone, wants you all the time?
Is obsessed with health problems, real, or imagined?
Make unreasonable and/or irrational demands of you?
Is hostile, negative and critical?

Coping with these traits in parents is an endless high-stress battle for their children. Though there's no medical defination for "difficult" parents, you know when you have one. While it's rare for adults to change their ways late in life, you can stop the vicious merry-go-round of anger, blame, guilt and frustration.

For the first time, here's a common-sense guide from professionals, with more than two decades in the field, on how to smooth communications with a challenging parent. Filled with practical tips for handling contentious behaviors and sample dialogues for some of the most troubling situations, this book addresses many hard issues, including:

How to tell your parent he or she cannot live with you.

How to avoid the cycle of nagging and recriminations

How to prevent your parent's negativity from overwhelming you.

How to deal with an impaired parent who refuses to stop driving.

How to asses the risk factors in deciding whether a parent is still able to live alone.

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Customer Reviews

Great reference book

2007-11-29
This books prove to be helpful in dealing with a difficult older parent. It provides inside information on how to handle difficult situations with examples. I have not finished reading the book but am re-reading some of the situations to get them imprinted in my brain, so when I have to deal with a difficult adult I will know how to handle the situation. I find it is especially hard to deal with a difficult parent, because being the child, I really don't want to tell my parents what to do or upset them, but this book has lots of helpful suggestions that eases those situations for all parties to the situation. I highly recommend this book if you are dealing with an elderly parent who is difficult to deal with.

Good Information

2007-08-29
I read this book a couple of times with about a year in between readings. The first time I read it, my difficult parent had not yet developed dementia, but he had afterward. I found it interesting the first time around, but absolutely got it the second time around. It focuses on the rights your parents have as human beings, but also asserts the importance of stepping in when it's necessary to protect your loved one - something that I needed to face by the second reading. I approve - I think anyone wondering if they're doing the right thing will enjoy this book.

Somewhat helpful

2007-07-19
This book is pretty good for what it does: it gives some advice to anyone who is dealing with aging parents who are of certain difficult personality types. I especially like how the author focuses on the fact that it is important for adult children to remember that they do not have to assume the roles they once had as children. She specifically outlines how to respond to some frustrating manipulative parenting behaviors. In this respect, the book is a reminder that one can control previously automatic responses to difficult parents. The drawback to this book is that it is more anecdotal than I had hoped. What I would recommend is getting this book - if you have a truly difficult aging parent - in conjunction with Joy Lo Verde's Complete Eldercare Planner. That book is more practical and complete in dealing with the practical stuff that can be really stressful (finding longterm care, talking to your parents about care options, financial considerations, wills, etc...).

Very practical guide

2007-05-12
My copy of this book has many pages underlined, marked and highlighted. I have used it in almost every conversation with my 86 year old mother and it has made a huge difference for both of us. I can treat her honorably and respectfully and yet still not pretend that she is someone she has never been. This is a very practical guide and I have recommended it to many of my friends who have found it equally helpful.

Helps Smooth your feathers!

2007-02-12
To our parents we are their "children", not the adults we have become. When they become child like & demanding/difficult we don't want to parent them but that is the role we are put in to anyway. Always see yourself as an adult, don't revert to the child & fall into their PIT of shame & blame. The main thing is this book will teach you that your difficult parent is not going to change & most likely get more difficult so prepare yourself & make sure you don't lose yourself in the process.

Terrific

2008-05-26
This book provided a great resource for us in dealing with a difficult mother-in-law. We still have problems with her, but the book has help identify how to cope with some of her behaviros and we seem to be able to cope much better.

You will relate

2008-05-08
If you are dealing with a difficult situation with your older parent, it will help to read this work. The authors present different personality and communication styles that are common toboth the older adult and the adult child. They then describe why older adults say some of the things they do how to respond in a way that is firm yet respectful of the needs of both adult and child. If you had the time and the inclination to think about what these authors suggest you might of come up with some of the same conclusions. They have done it for you. I refer to mine often.

Will you still love me when I'm 64?

2008-04-20
Son!

Don't buy this book. I'll be good.

I'm not going to the track anymore! See! I'll stop gambling away your inheritance. I'll even stop having sex with that woman. Point is, you don't have to chain me to the radiator.

Remember that time I took you to the baseball game? Wasn't that fun! Ha Ha.

Practical & Helpful

2008-04-10
This book is very easy to use as an aide in dealing with difficult aging parents. It starts with a questionnaire which helps categorize what type of difficult person you are dealing with and then has chapters dealing with each category. It includes lots of real examples and gives tips as to how grown children can best deal and cope with the different situations that arise. It also includes an extensive Bibliography for further reading. I recommend this to those who are having a hard time with their aging parents. (It does not address dealing with alzheimers though).

--Karen Arlettaz Zemek, author of "My Funny Dad, Harry"

coping with elders

2008-02-14
Although there are some good points in this point, the overwhelming view seems to be that the younger folks have to continually sacrifice their self esteem, personal values, and integrity to coddle an elder. There are some folks who are mean and nasty all of their lives and seem to get worse as they age. The tactics do not work on these people and they are quick to tell you about "your tactics" or demean you for trying. Don't fool yourself that this will work 100% of the time.
Too many self help books with quick fixes and trite responses