Customer Reviews
Great book! 
2008-09-11
"Why Does He Do That" is a very insightful book that has answered many questions for me. It's easy to read and hard to put down. I highly recommend it to everyone.
Hmmm I Did'nt Know That Was Abuse.... 2008-09-05
Hello. I really like the straight forward approach Lundy uses in the book. I had no idea so many behaviors were abusive..until now. The book puts things into perspective. He covers a lot and many circomstanses were not for me, but over all the book was very informative and supportive for the woman who is in an abusive relationship and doesn't know it and for the ones who know and just need to see it in print. The book offers clear boundaries and clear ways in which to handle each situation and the serious reasons why action needs to take place in most abusive situations. Overall very informative, supportive and clear.
Very Insightful 2008-09-02
I haven't even read the entire book yet, but what I have read is very insightful. At times, the truth hurts while reading, it hits close to home but it a great reminder and helps you to understand and see the light. It's scary to think that I am not the only person that has experienced some of the incidences, but it is also very helpful to see how easily it is to be manipulated. I am more aware now of what to look for. I have read other self-help type books, but none were as detailed as this one. I recommend this book to others, I even showed it to my therapist, she's thrilled I'm reading it. There are a broad range of topices to be covered, this is a keeper.
Why do THEY do that? 
2008-08-29
Wow! This book is really popular among angry women!
I have to agree that Lundy does a good job of describing a particular type of abusive man. What he fails to do is recognize the well documented facts that
* 50% of all domestic violence is mutual - that is, involving both partners, equally
* 25% is initiated by the man, and 25% by the woman
* More than 85% of men are NEVER violent in their domestic relationships (as documented by very simple research - asking elderly women, most of whom had predeceased their partners, if they had ever in their lives been assaulted by a partner).
Domestic violence is NOT a gender problem. It is a human problem! The real victims of intimate partner assault are the CHILDREN - who are about equally divided between boys and girls
If domestic battery results from "male privilege," or other such feminist theories, how are we to explain women who batter men, women who batter other women (i.e., in lesbian relationships), and men who batter men?
I have raised these questions, and others, with the esteemed Mr. Bancroft. He refused to be "baited" with such questions. A "scientist?" I think not!
If you want to learn something about this topic, you might start with anything by Don Dutton, Linda Mills, or John Hamel.
Great Resource 
2008-08-26
As a therapist working with women involved in abusive relationships, I found this book to be very helpful to them and recommend it to most of my clients. As a clinician, I think there are many contradictions, but then, it wasn't written for me. Particularly helpful was the chapter on change.
So? 
2008-08-24
"He doesn't mean to hurt me-he just loses control."
"He can be sweet and gentle."
"He's scared me a few times, but he never hurts the children-he's a great father."
"He's had a really hard life..."
Women in abusive relationships tell themselves these things every day. Now they can see inside the minds of angry and controlling men-and change their own lives. In this groundbreaking book, a counselor shows how to improve, survive, or leave an abusive relationship, with:
€ The early warning signs
€ Nine abusive personality types
€ How to tell if an abuser can change, is changing, or ever will
€ The role of drugs and alcohol
€ What can be fixed, and what can't
€ How to leave a relationship safely
to policemen, social workers, court personnel, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, homosexual couples and women 2008-08-23
If you fall into any category in the title, this book is a must read. It is a monumental work of "this guy Lundy" (as named by one of his reluctant clients). I had to dig deep into my mis-assumptions and misunderstanding of what's behind the abuse. Abused women? If these two words recall a weak silhouette of a housewife with an immigrant background with "no other choice", be ready to change that perception. If you think you'll always know how to tell whether or not the abuse it happening in your life or life of others, if you think you will leave "the moment he lays his hands on me" and think that would be the only solution for anyone else as well in the same situation, you might be in for a surprise. If you think the abuser can be changed by the attitude of his partner, getting free of alcohol and drug abuse or attending therapy for couples, think again. When it comes to the abuse, we all think we are very smart. Why not giving the abused women some credit for a change, acknowledge they are intelligent (and their wit has been challenged many times by the terror of their partners) and come from different social and economical backgrounds, have already tried everything humanly possible to change their partners, why not give them what they need - support and understanding, no pressure, no conditions. Abused women are not co-dependent in a relationship. It is Them, the grand masters of control that maintain the abusive and unbearable situation and keep on with their power games. It is a hard nut to convince them their are the loosers loosing the possibility of deeper, warmer relations within the family, which would act as a shelter rather than a prison to other family members.
If you work in the court and think the abuser can change by hearing some harsh words from the judge, think again. If you work in court and think the abuser is a capable parent, think again. If you work in court and you believe a woman is abusing a man (who claims this to be the case), be very careful and try to get more evidence.
Although it is clearly evident the book is based on the broad experience Bancroft gained while working with abusive men, he doesn't (ab)use it as an argument of power and authority. I like the referrals to his own misconceptions and some storries about his interraction with his clients could be potentially anecdotal if you'd neglect the fact (but how could you?) they come from people who abused their partners. Most of all, I admire Bancroft's will to help and reach-out, influence the policy and educate the policy makers - seems there is no stopping for him as he continues to publish on this important topic from different perspectives - he is lately focusing on children's rights and their need to live in an abuse free environment.
The book is mostly focused on the topic of abuser's reasoning his actions. If this is not what you are currently struggling with, the book suggests a variety of additional resources. But for those of you who spend days wondering what is behind his irrational anger and rage "out of the blue", manipulativeness, controlling, this is a wonderful insight. The book is not focused solely on physical violence and it will be helpful to people who feel confused and puzzled by the reacions of their partners in the relationship.
I particularly love the fact Bancroft is fully aware of the potential effects of this book: not only it is soothening as sort of a teddybear for adults, it is also very inspiring, it calls for action, but rather than make it a chaotic social movement that would be a subject to quick extinguishment, Bancroft gives a comprehensive advice on what is effective and what are your options of organized development in the fight against abuse and, importantly, when should you go on and save the others - after you've done saving yourself, of course.
This is one of the books I would just love in hardcopy to keep on the shelf for several readings. You do need to read it several times to keep its messages strong inside you, as other messages surrounding you (particularly in pop culture) lead you in the other direction.
This book leaves me thinking we should bring up boys fundamentally differently and Bancroft provides a few suggestions, but they seem to be a bit speculative. I can only hope they might work.
All in all, the book is worth much more than you'll pay for it, which is great: it needs to be affordable to be widely accessed and owned. It also needs to be translated to several languages. Urgently.
Light Bulb Moment 2008-08-12
I have spent years with a man who is mostly great, but when we fight, verbally and emotionally abusive. We have spent hours, maybe days, trying to figure out why he "loses control" -- what in his past or history causes that level of anger and hatred to rise up. This book was the break-through. It forced both of us to look at it from a different perspective -- it isn't about a bad history or default emotional reactions, it's about control. Luckily, he is in a place in his life where he wants to change, so he was able to look at this with an open mind. But regardless, for me, this book was life-altering and possibly life-saving.
a MUST read for ALL women 2008-08-11
This is the best book about domestic violence I've ever read. It's the only one i've found that gets to the core of why men abuse. Rather than making excuses, he explains how abuse is a conscious decision, it's a learned behaviour, and it CAN be unlearned in the men decide to do the work (though sadly, most don't).
Every woman should read this book even if she hasn't been outright abused because it also shows how these men can manipulate and control without even raising their voice. 10/10.
Why Does He DO That???? 2008-08-08
This was one of the finest learning books I have ever read / studied. I have already lent it to two people and have recommended it to five or six others as a "must have" for their libraries.
When I was a psych major in college, 40 plus years ago, "abuse" was not a topic. I'm glad that this now is being addressed.
When I was "browsing" among the self-help titles in the listings, this book "jumped out at me."
I'm really, really, REALLY glad that I got this book.
A.J. in Scottsdale, Arizona
