Customer Reviews
good book 
2008-04-19
You'll learn a lot from this book. Makes you think about things a little differently.
changed my life 
2008-02-20
I can't believe I have waited most of my life to read this book. It has changed my perspective on my marriage, my job and the way I'm raising my child.
Fix the abuser not the abused 
2008-02-17
There is nothing wrong with you for still loving someone who is abusive. Emotional abuse is not the victims fault. You can help your abusive partners narcissism by forming a support network and limiting their abusive behaviour. If I had followed the advice in this book I would have lost my family. My husband is better now. Get a different opinion from someone who saved her marriage and didn't take years to heal. [...]
Take the Time 2007-12-24
It can take years, even a lifetime, to heal from emotional abuse. The author, Beverly Engel, lets us know within the first pages that she has endured a history of abuse, and from this background, she has made her career choices, mainly, to become a therapist helping others in similar circumstances.
The abused person is often taken by surprise, emotionally involved before the abuse fully takes hold. The abuser often has a two-sided personality, referred to as Jekyll and Hyde - one charming and intelligent and likeable, the other a cruel and perverse tormentor.
Engel writes: "It is often difficult for a woman to admit that she is indeed being emotionally abused, particularly if she is competent and successful in other respects... many women who are being emotionally abused do not even realize what is happening to them. Many suffer from the effects of emotional abuse - depression, lack of motivation, confusion, difficulty concentrating or making decisions, low self-esteem, feelings of failure, worthlessness, and hopelessness, self-blame, and self-destructiveness - but do not understand what is causing these symptoms."
The process seeps into the psyche like a slow poison, rearranging our ability to cope. "She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to her abuser."
Which is perhaps the hardest to understand, by the woman herself as well as family and friends who keep asking - "Why do you stay? Why do you put up with it?" - and never find a rational answer. There is none. Engel explains, "Emotional-abuse victims become so convinced they are worthless that they believe no one else could possibly want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go."
Engel takes us through the ways that emotional abuse expresses itself and how it works. "Emotionally abusive lovers and mates cause tremendous damage to a woman's ego. They have our trust, our vulnerability, our hearts, and our bodies. Using a variety of tactics, an abusive husband or lover can damage a woman's self-esteem, make her doubt her desirability and hate her body, and break her heart... When we love someone we tend to make excuses for his behavior; we always want to give him the benefit of the doubt. This is especially true when the other person is good to us in other ways." The abuser, Engel writes, makes his partner believe "she was so stupid, ugly, and unlovable that she was lucky to have him... told her she wasn't as pretty as the other girls he had dated, that she wasn't good in bed, and that his friends didn't think she was good enough for him."
And who is he? Often, Engel says, he is an addict of some kind, whether to alcohol or drugs or sex, and his own self-esteem is so low that he can keep a partner only by causing her self-esteem to be even lower than his own. He is frequently the product of abuse himself, often taking on the traits of his own abusers. He tends to be socially isolated, unable to maintain any healthy friendships or other relationships.
Once Engel has helped us understand the process and the damage done by it, she encourages and instructs on how to release years of pent-up rage in constructive manner, while rebuilding confidence. There are no shortcuts to healing. Finally, she helps us to understand how to stop repeating the cycle by finishing unfinished business, how to recognize the red flags of an abusive person when we first meet him. If we have not allowed the time to release our anger and heal the damage, we are doomed to repeat the pattern.
For this reason above all, this is an important book to read for anyone who has felt the lash of such abuse. Take the time to understand. Take the time to work through the damage. Take the time to heal. Take the time to nurture yourself back to health and rebuild your ability to love and to know real love when you meet it.
Eye opener, but not all fit the book exactly 2007-12-03
This book let in on something that I had never realized was so huge. My father was an alcoholic, but he did not drink at home. Sure my parents fought all the time, but he was never drunk in front of us, or mean to us (he was mean to mom though). What he did was leave for days on end while binge drinking. We wouldn't hear from him for days and we always thought he was dead. Like every weekend. I now know this was physical and emotional abandonment and this in fact was abuse. I never saw it like that before.
This has set the stage for my impression of relationships and marriage. I can see it all now why I picked my husband why I'm in this situation now. Normalcy never even existed for me! (This also set me on a quest for more books along the Adult Children of Alcoholics lines, as I really didn't know my past plays such a huge factor.)
Overall, I feel I have high self esteem - where as the book went over and over how low you must feel about yourself. I didn't feel that was true and I shared it with my counselor. What I learned in therapy is esteem can be departmentalized. I can be successful at my job, school, music - but just not so great in my relationships. I can see this now. I remember thinking "wow he's not going to disappear on me for days! I must be the luckiest girl on earth!" Sadly I did not know there was so much more than that - until now, 6 years later into my marriage. I am now realizing how wrong things are in my marriage and how unhealthy alot of things were. I just accepted it as normal.
What I am experiencing, I still am not sure if it's emotional abuse. The book said it needed to be constant. This isn't very constant. I don't fit all the profiles, neither does he. He does do some of the emotional abuse explanations. In the section "Deciding to leave" the part about questioning your sanity (I am so doing this as he really gets me to doubt myself and my perception of what is going on) and the lack of respect (I feel he doesn't respect me or my interests/passions/family/etc yet he feels he does) - those two really hit home to me. So if I have 2 out of the 6 reason you should leave, is that enough to leave?
Do we have to fit all or most of the book in order to listen to what it's telling us? What if half (or less) of it is true for my situation?
Excellent starting point for the emotionally abused. 2007-09-03
If you feel unfairly criticized, controlled by others, or are afraid of being lonely, you could be suffering from emotional abuse. Now there is help in this compassionate sourcebook. Bevery Engel, a marriage, family, and child therapist, guides you through a step-by-step recovery process to help you heal the damage done in the past.
Very Informative 2007-07-26
As a psychologist I provide copies of this book to clients that haven't recognized that their situation is abusive even if it doesn't include physical violence.
THIS BOOK HAS OPENED MY EYES AND HELPED ME TO CHANGE MY LIFE! 2007-07-15
Because of a very verbal abusing/controlling relationship, I bought this book. It has opened my eyes in more ways than one. I highly recommend this book. Another reason that I bought this book is that since being in this controlling relationship for 5 years, I have had migraines and muscle aches 5 times per week or more that kept me bedridden! My self-esteem went from a healthy 10 to a minus 2 these past 5 years. Moreover, because I was "ill" so much, I did not exercise and gained 35 pounds. Eating had become my comfort, even sickness became my comfort. This book has helped to discoverer:
By ALLOWING this person to verbually abuse me and control me, it caused illness in my body and very often! I was tired of being ill most of the time. You see, I used my "illness" to gain control by:
1) Getting him to feel sorry for me so I could have my way for a change--I would not be forced to do what he wanted when I was "ill". (This "illness" method has stopped working in the last year).
2) I told my "illness" BYE BYE because it was controlling me! Now, I choose the healthy and honest way to control my life: "Stand up for myself with no need to explain myself."
3) I used the "illness" as an excuse to go to bed and "hide" from this person. Also, it was an excuse to not have to go to work so this person would continue to "take care of me." Now, I am walking 2 miles a day and physically and mentally I am healthier. I am getting in shape mentally and physically--I can go to work with no problem. And take care of myself with no problem.
2) After reading this book, I realized that I had ALLOWED this person to control me for 5 years and be verbally abusive to me when we were alone and in public. I have taken back my power now and I am now in control. Today, for the first time, I stood up to him and said "No" about something I did not want to do and told him what I CHOOSE to do instead. And I felt wonderful inside, my self-esteem went up quite a lot! YES!!!
If you are in a relationship or taking any kind of verbal abuse or control, I highly suggest that you purchase this book. I has truly been an eye-opener and life-saver for me as I learned that I had allowed this person to verbally abuse and control me, I gave him this power because I let him do these things. No more, now, I am in control of my life and my thoughts. This book is so very highly recommended and I believe it will help you. Also, may I suggest that you consider Louise Hay CD's" Self-Esteem, Stress-Free, 101-Power Thoughts", these have also been a big help to me and I listen to them often. May my story help others who are hurting right now, may you find the peace and love that you need.
Excellent Book For the Emotionally Abused 2007-06-10
I found this book extremely helpful as an emotionally abused woman. I highly recommend it to anyone who has ever experienced that kind of abuse. It made me understand how the abuse occured and what I can do to prevent it in the future. This is a must read.
Flawed premise 2007-04-07
While this book touches on many truths regarding emotionally abused women and thier abusers, it starts from a flawed premise. That premise being that ALL emotionally abused women were abused as children in one way or another and that is why the woman choses abusive partners and even friends all through her life. Not ALL women who are emotionally abused come from an abusive childhood, to say so is an irresponsible commentary on the subject. I find the book "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft a more in depth and on target handling of the subject.
