Customer Reviews
Most significant book I have ever read 
2008-06-21
I read this book when it first came out in the early 90s. It made me realize that my sister and I were not crazy - our mother was! Our mother had caused us a lot of pain with her belief that her needs always needed to come first. The book opened my eyes. We eventually both broke it off with the selfish monster and led much happier lives. Incredible book.
Excellent book 2008-06-11
I found this book to be incredibly eye-opening and helpful, both as the daughter of a toxic mother and the parent of two children. The only thing that I am not sure about is whether confronting the toxic parent is always the best option. The most obvious questions in my mind were "What's the point? Why do you still want ANY relationship with this person? Why do you feel you owe this person ANYTHING? At what cost are you willing to keep trying?" Several years ago I made the very difficult decision to end my relationship with my mother when, after years of trying so hard to keep some relationship going and suffering for it, I finally found the courage to ask "what's in it for me?" and realized the answer was "absolutely nothing positive whatsoever". Also, being disgusted by her interactions with my children was a big factor. I profoundly miss having a mother, but I do not miss her or her poison.
A must read for victims and potential parents 
2008-06-07
I read this book when it first came out and it really helped me to realize that I was not the problem, contrary to everything that I was taught as a child. My mother abused me to no end. She beat me with belts, wooden spoons, hockey sticks, spatulas and anything else she could get her hands on. She humiliated me in public and made me feel unattractive because I was not a size zero like she was. This book helped me to realize that she was the sick one, not me. I still have problems but at least I feel better about myself. I would recommend this book to anyone who is considering having a child because this book explains just how much damage you can do to a child through verbal/physical abuse.
Wow. Couldn't put it down... 2008-04-17
Wow. I devoured this book. I found it riveting, fascinating, absorbing - I couldn't put it down. I am intrigued by books that help me understand how people work. Why does my friend have these emotional issues? How has a troubled relationship with her father affected the rest of her life? This book does an amazing job of explaining the psychology of those questions. Plus, it was an enjoyable read. Usually books like this have a tendency to go over the head of the average person. But this was written in an easy writing style. I laughed and cried with the people who were featured as cases.
This book enabled me to finally cut the umbilical cord 2008-04-15
All my life, I've been told by therapists, friends, lovers, my siblings, even my father how unhealthy my relationship with my mother was. I felt this intense obligation to her to the point that it was getting in the way of my life. Guilt followed me around like a dark cloud. I had blocked out large chunks of my childhood not understanding why but just accepting it.
After my father passed away, my brother ceased all contact with my mother (who has cancer). I couldn't understand why. I would email him, call him. I was devastated for my mother. Neither sibling seemed to care about our mother so when she got extremely ill, I dropped my life in California and moved to her home state to take care of her. I was suddenly bombarded by all these memories of my childhood. I felt intense sadness and guilt and I couldn't understand why. I started resenting her.
When I reconnected with my brother, he told me about this book. He said it made him realize just how manipulative our mother is and that's why he ceased ties with her. I remember going to his house and we ran through some of the questions and I answered "yes' to 90 percent. He gave me the book and I have since realized just how unhealthy my relationship with my mother is. It only took forty years.
I would recommend this book to anyone who is constantly overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and sadness. Nothing you do is good enough. You find yourself relying on other people and unable to really value yourself for who you are. It might do for you what it did for me: open my eyes that were sealed shut.
Saving my life 2008-04-07
Are you the child of toxic parents?
When you were a child...
• Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless?
• Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you?
• Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
• Were you often frightened of your parents?
• Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret?
Now that you’re an adult...
• Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?
• Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after spending time with your parents?
• Do your parents control you with threats or guilt? Do they manipulate you with money?
• Do you feel that no matter what you do, it’s never good enough for your parents?
In this remarkable self-help guide, Dr. Susan Forward draws on case histories and the real-life voices of adult children of toxic parents to help you free yourself from the frustrating patterns of your relationship with your parents — and discover a new world of self-confidence, inner strength, and emotional independence.
truly helpful 2008-04-05
This was recommended by my therapist and was really helpful for me. I lent it to a friend and she found it helpful as well. In order for it to work, you have to be willing to follow its suggestions. Good recommendation and good book.
Really good book 2008-03-10
This book is really good, is not the best I've read about this but is very interesting.
I am always saying a lot of "couples" are into a stressfull relationship because of one or both partner's past.
Is a great book to understand your own experience or a loved one's.
Why am I reviewing something I have not read? 2008-02-15
Yes, that is right. I have not read this book. So, why am I reviewing this book? Because, my wife has read this book, and I got to see first hand at the effects on her. Why am I giving it 4 stars? Because I don't want the review from someone who has not read the book, to affect the overall rating.
My wife has always had a troubled relationship with her parents. In her teen years, she recalled that she hated her dad. She didn't mind her mom, but also had occasional problems with her.
Nevertheless, she tried to make the best of it, and after the birth of our son, three years ago, her parents came and stayed with us for a few days. She appeared to get along with her dad just fine during his week-long stay. We had some frank discussions with them about the past, and her dad acknowledged his shortcomings, and said that he should have spent less time at work, and helped out her mom. He remarked that the kids turned out fine, due to the good parenting of his wife.
After her dad went home, her mother stayed with us for 3 months, so that she could help us out with the cooking and cleaning, while my wife dealt with the difficulty being a first-time mom. As usual, during the long stay, they had some tense moments, usually because her mom offered some unwelcome advice, or made some comments that irked her. Some of the things that really bugged my wife seemed a bit minor to me, such as when her mom remarked about our son, "Thank goodness his nose is so cute..." My wife was upset at the apparently conditional quality of her affection.
Anyway, before her mom went back home, we took her out to dinner and, as a gesture of thanks, we gave her an expensive bracelet (my wife's idea, BTW).
It was the period after her mom went home that my wife got this book and started reading. Slowly, my wife's attitude began to change. She felt more and more anger at her parents. She was particularly upset that her mom did no research on raising children, prior to her visit. So, she was particularly upset at any advice, because, to her, they were all uneducated old wives' tales. She started recalling more and more of the unpleasant memories from her childhood. There was no physical nor sexual abuse. Most were belittling remarks and zingers that robbed her of her self confidence. I think having a child of her own made the memories more intense and vivid. She felt very angry and sent a confrontational letter to her parents.
She got an apologetic response, but she did not think it was adequate, because the tone was something to the effect that the bond between parents and children was timeless and should not be broken. She felt they weren't taking any responsibility. My wife made the decision to cut off relations with her parent. Subsequent letters from her parents were sent back, without being opened...which I found particularly cruel. She did not respond to any of their e-mails.
When our daughter was born a year ago, my wife decided to be a full-time mom. She didn't let her parents know of the birth of our daughter. I stayed in contact with them and sent them photos. My wife was fine with what I did; she just didn't want contact with them.
Then, in the past year, our relationship changed. She started feeling angrier and angrier about what she felt was my belittling attitude towards her. She dredged up arguments we had from years earlier, and accused me of oppressing her and holding her down. She got angrier when I gave her my interpretation of those events: they were arguments between two equal persons. No one had the power to oppress or hold anyone done. I never laid a hand on her, and though I've said some unkind things to her in during some heated arguments, there were in many cases much milder than anything she said to me.
Late last year, she told me that she wanted a divorce. She feels that I have always treated her badly, and that any positive feeling she had in the past were self delusions. I was thunderstruck and confused. She was totally embroiled in this victim mentality, where anything unpleasant I've ever said to her in the past was being cast in this new light that I was victimizing her. This really frustrated me. I consider her an intellectual equal, so how could one equal oppress another equal? If we had physical fights, then I can understand. I am much stronger, and I can certainly abuse her physically... but mentally?
Three weeks ago, while playing with my son, I noticed a piece of paper in her purse. The portion that was legible without any prying had the name of a psychiatric hospital. I think she is really suffering, and she is thinking of going for therapy. I would like to help her, but our lines of communications are so damaged that I'm not sure how to help her. It will have to be executed very delicately, but I'm going try to let her know that I can take some time off work to watch the kids, while she goes and gets therapy. Still thinking about how to even bring up the subject without it seeming insulting to her. How to tell her that I found out, without sounding like I'm rifling through her things.
Back to this book. Maybe this book has helped countless others, but just observing my wife, her downward spiral seems to coincide with the reading of this book. It has only made her more bitter, and turned her into someone who cannot accept responsibility for her own actions. Maybe she is totally misinterpreting the advice in the book. Maybe I should just pick up the copy on the shelf and read it for myself. But, just maybe, this book just offers up a lot of negative solutions...
This book is a MUST READ 2008-01-29
This book, quite simply, changed my life. If you have unreconciled and unresolved issues with your parents ... especially if they are no longer living ... this book will help you through them. Do not hesitate to buy it. It really will help you. I've also given it as a gift to people I know well enough (it's a pretty intimate gift...) and have been thanked profusely.
