Customer Reviews
Excellent Book 
2006-09-16
I noticed one reviewer was disappointed with the religiosity of the book while one lady felt it obliterated every hope she had of saving her marriage. I grieve for what that lady suffered losing her husband to divorce. And, yet the actions that this poor lady took to remedy her situation seemed more panic driven than a reflection of anything the author of this book would have recommended.
I went through the grief of losing my own spouse to another man six years ago, and quite often the very most rational and stable people can lose it entirely through the pain and through the additional terrorism of the family court system.
But, the basic teachings in Michele's books and materials always seem to be centered around something she calls Solution Oriented Brief Therapy. In short, it focuses on solutions rather than digging deep to comprehend the inner workings, causes, and patterns of the problem. And, there are pros and cons argued regarding this. Some say it sweeps the problem under the rug or puts a bandaid onto the problem without fixing it and the problem will almost certainly return again later while the couple's tolerance for it will be reduced and their skills in handling it will not have been given the chance to develop.
The idea behind SOBT is somewhat simple: Find out what works, and do more of it. When a fight breaks out, rather than trying to determine whose fault it was and how it started and why it started, SOBT brushes that aside and consideres it not only irrelevant but counterproductive and harmful. SOBT teaches that a better approach is to look back on what we were doing, thinking, feeling, specifically when the problem begain to resolve itself -- when the quarrel ended, when we kissed and made up.
This book points out how people tend to continue doing more of the same. If something doesn't work, but they think it "should" work, they do it with ten times more intensity to force it to work, but they only get ten times the misery they got when it didn't work the first time.
She gives many other excellent techniques as well, and by "technique", I do not mean magic spell or trick of manipulation, but rather when people see things differently and start to believe that even if they cannot maintain control over everything and even if things go their worst, there is always something we can do to make things better somehow. We can set goals and break them down into very specific actions -- things we can see and identify and quantify. For instance, when she asks people what they want to see changed in their marriages, they may say, "I want my wife to be nicer" or "I want my husband to help around the house more". But, Michele won't let people be non-specific. She will ask, "When your wife or husband is nicer or more helpful, what will he or she be doing? What will you be doing? She breaks victories down into smaller victories, and what's cool about that is that the little victories are easier to obtain and as we celebrate them along the way, they propel us to believe the next little victory is possible, and before you know it, little victories start adding up and combining into big victories, and life just gets so much better.
It is so much better than being driven by fear, obsession, compulsion, and behaving irrationally as probably most of us do initially.
So, taking it to the next step, I would like to see something from Michele or someone else or from people getting together to brainstorm how to settle or overcome the initial panic and terror. Not in theory, but how to slam dunk it in real life. Because without it, I wonder if any technique or wisdom could ever save a marriage that has gone down into this amount of panic. It is as if the panic itself finishes killing off the marriage and those who want to save it most are hurt the most beside the children.
As for clinging to a leaving spouse in a panic, I believe Michele said this was tantamount to signing one's own divorce papers, and she brought up the concept of a trapped animal trying to get away. The harder you try to hold on, the harder they struggle to get away. But, if you open the cage door and let them go, the chances they will come back will be greater as long as you don't panic and grab them again when they try to leave. You have to think about whether you would find yourself attracted to somebody who threw themselves at you and begged and pleaded while you were trying to get out of that person's grasp.
People don't fall in love because we cling. We feel like we're falling in love when people make us feel good -- not about them -- not about the environment around us, but about ourselves. Also, the feeling that gets mistaken for falling in love a lot of times is the feeling of an adrenaline rush -- the thrill, the butterflies, the palpitations, the adventure, the feeling of danger. And, sadly, this often drives and feeds affairs.
Anyway, I found this book to be somewhat a repeat of Divorce Busting but with additional newer features, and the main one that comes to mind is the part at the end about affairs. I think she called it something like "The last resort technique".
But, to be honest, I read so many books on this subject when my own family was breaking up and yet after having gone through it all, I feel as though there were theories of how to handle things most wisely, and I knew many of them, and yet I felt crippled to do them by the terrorism of the whole situation.
I feel a big part of saving marriage is saving it before marriage through premarital assessments and followup with training and counseling to prepare for marriage. Going into marriage unprepared is like being handed a randomly chosen musical instrument for you to play at Carnegie Hall without even knowing the song you're going to play or how to operate the musical instrument. Take time to take a few lessons and your chance of success in marriage will probably at least double.
Made me lose my doctor husband in San Mateo County 
2006-06-17
I think this book ruined any small chance I had of getting back together with my ex-husband who is a beloved physician in our community. I had read the reviews on Amazon and was misled into believing the advice in this book worked. It did not and (it almost landed me in jail.)
Michele told me to never give up. Well I should have. I totally humiliated myself in front of our kids.
What happened was we were not getting along and we had not had sex in years. He moved out to get space and to think. He thought we should split to protect the kids from our fights. He wound up making male and female friends which drove me bananas. I picked up Michele's book and it all went downhill from there. And when I say downhill, I mean downhill. I went nuts.
This book made me go crazy, and in my mind every woman he knew became "OW's" or "Other Womans". I started stalking him screaming, "But you said 'til death do us part" and other idiotic stuff.
Because Michele told me to never give up unless my husband abused me, I went to the hospital and to his medical office to "talk". One time I even kicked him because he would not do what I said and admit to an affair (which I later learned he was not having.)
I went to his apartment and laid on the doorbell in the middle of the night. I called up all of his women friends and called them names. I am embarrased to admit that one time I saw my ex driving with a female and swerved into the incoming lane of traffic to block them with my car. When he was at friends' houses for get togethers, and would not return my calls, I just knocked on the door even if it was midnight and I did not know the people who lived there.
I went thru all his phone bill and started calling every number on there I did not recognize. Michele told me to fight for my marriage so I would have the peace of knowing I tried, so I dug my heels in and fought.
The list goes on and on.
Well the whole "hang on no matter what" approach backfired. My ex-husband thinks I am nuts and won't speak to me. Fortunately he was kind enough not to get a restraining order.
Now, with the passage of time, I understand that a marraige involves two people and each of us has the right to stay in it or get out of it, without being bad people.
In my place of hurt and anger, this book justified my feelings of victimization, hindered my ability to accept responsibility for part of the failure of our marriage, and inflamed my own sense of self-righteousness and denial. In short, I was led to believe I could do no wrong because I was on the righteous path of saving my marraige.
Do yourself a favor, and just get a good therapist to help you grieve when you know it is over. This books prolongs the pain and is quite destructive in the long run.
Try Albert Ellis' "Guide to Rational Living" instead. I mean it.
Good luck.
Interesting, BUT 
2005-11-15
This is the kind of book that can be very appealing to someone in the midst of a divorce; That there is a Proven 7 Step Method to anything is a little suspect, as even the most trusting of us must admit. As I am going thru a divorce, I read all of the customer reviews, and purchased two books in hopes that they would teach me the path to reconcilliation. I sent one to my wife.
What this book does teach you is very practical ways in which to slightly improve your communication, not make things worse in the divorce process (the Last Resort Technique, among others - I gave up on them), and how to temporarily deal with the emotional difficulty of a potentially permanent separation from someone you really (or think you really) love.
However, this book does not address the root causes of divorce, nor does it help to address the real problems in the relationship, which may or may not involve many of the kinds of manipulations that are espoused in this book.
The author does admit that this is a sort of band-aid to the entire situation, and indicates that real marriage counseling should be undertaken as quickly as possible.
Ultimately, you must decide whether or not to choose the path of this book and the games that it prescribes, or choose the difficult path of understanding what happened in the relationship, accepting yourself and others unconditionally, and becoming comfortable in your own skin. Only at that point will you be able to deal with your spouse from a level of integrity, empathy, and mutual respect. Even if your spouse does not recognize that you've done the work, that you are committed to the relationship and improving yourself, you will be much better off in the next relationship. If you are up for the challenge of unconditional self acceptance (warts and all), acceptance of others, quitting the cycle of blame, and becoming less disturbed (and less disturbable), I would refer you to "A Guide to Rational Living," by Albert Ellis. It is hard work, but very rewarding.
This book as a blessing in my marriage 2005-10-06
My husband express to me that our marriage was over. I started reading the book and it made a lot of sense. It took me step by step how to change things around. Whenever I got discouraged in my marriage I went back to the book, it keep me focus on what I wanted, writing goals was extremely important . To keep focus on what you want and stay what you want.
I'm sharing this book with others who are going through marital difficulties, it worked for me, it can work for you.
First Confused? Then I saw the light. 2005-08-16
Let me start by saying that this book confused me at first because it went against my stubborn beliefs. So to prove to myself that this was a bunch of hooey. I put some of the techniques to the test and soon found out I was wrong. It will help you to soul search and correct character flaws that push spouse/people away. Its a sure wake up call about yourself and how you treat others. It has improved my marriage but most of all me. It has restored my identity and independence with a stronger sense of what love is and should be. Good Luck!
a fresh perspective 
2008-02-25
In a culture where getting a divorce is almost reflexive when any marital problem may occur, this book provides an alternative frame of mind. My hope is that many would read this book as a preventative measure; before their marriage is on the rocks. Although, there are many examples in this book where such marriages have been saved as well. Easy to read and practical application points.
VERY GOOD BOOK TO SAVE A MARRIAGE AND/OR IMPROVE ANY RELATIONSHIP 2008-01-17
This book is well written, empathetic, specific, and action oriented. It, along with the books and CD's by Ellen Kriedman on the same subject will change your marriage relationship or any relationship for the better. Highly recommended. boland7214@aol
PS: I forgot to mention that the book, "Divorce Busting" is by the same author. "Divorce Busting" was written in about 1991 and this book was written about 10 years later. Which is "the better book"? I dunno. But, one would think the later book would be an improvement over the earlier book. I can't say for certain but that's the way it would seem, correct? But, I do like the title, "Divorce Busting"! :o)
More like a relationship book than a divorce book 
2007-10-22
I agree with A Customer on this one. While this book is very matter of fact, it doesn't get into the touchy feely side like other books I have read (that's a good thing), it has clear steps on what do to and how to do. The practical side of me likes that.
However, I think that most of the scenarios she described were run-of-the-mill problems as the previous poster suggested. I was thinking, these people are getting divorced over this? This should be a marriage communication book, not a brink of divorce book. She did mention in the beginning about abusive relationships. Not ALL marriages should be salvaged, so she did point that out. Unfortunately, I don't believe everything else that is non-abusive should be saved. Some people out there ARE happier without the emotionally abusive, passive aggressive person and do find better.
It then left me to analyze the issues I have in my own relationship and I still question whether it's worth saving. After reading the book, I didn't feel overwhelmed with a gung-ho attitude that I'm saving this shambles of a relationship come hell or high water. The issues I am seeing are more serious (not as serious as physical abuse or drug addiction). I'm still questioning it - I don't know if I want it to work. I guess I am still open to new ideas as I keep reading books rather than getting out.
The step where you write down what you are seeking in a good marriage (turning complaints into attainable positive goals) did take me sometime to formulate and was beneficial However, I came up with an entirely different person - one I don't think my spouse can or wants to be.
The book seems to black and white to me, but perhaps what I am searching for I won't be able to find in a book.
This book helps you no matter what! 2007-05-26
My wife asked me for a divorce recently and this book would have helped if I had it that day. The tools and methods she give do help the situation and in many cases they improve your self esteem. Even if my wife does eventually leave me(I'm hopeful she won't) I can survive because this book has helped me gain my integrity and self respect back. This book is a must if your marriage is in trouble! Read it all and use the tools. It can only help. I had more help from this book than our marriage and personal counselor. And it was a lot cheaper!
The Marriage Can be Saved! 2007-02-14
This book demonstrates that even if you have been resigned to living in a miserable marriage, there can be hope for rebuilding it. The Divorce Remedy, the Proven Seven Step Program for Saving Your Marriage prescribes a revitalization program than anyone can follow. Specific marriage-saving goals are identified and positive communication models are provided. This book is a must read for anyone still wishing to give their marriage one more chance.
