Editorial Review
In this compelling book, Elan Golomb identifies the crux of the emotional and psychological problems of millions of adults. Simply put, the children of narcissist -- offspring of parents whose interest always towered above the most basic needs of their sons and daughters -- share a common belief: They believe they do not have the right to exist.
The difficulties experienced by adult children of narcissists can manifest themselves in many ways: for examples, physical self-loathing that takes form of overeating, anorexia, or bulimia; a self-destructive streak that causes poor job performance and rocky personal relationships; or a struggle with the self that is perpetuated in the adult's interaction with his or her own children. These dilemmas are both common and correctable, Dr. Golomb tells us.
With an empathic blend of scholarship and case studies, along with her own personal narrative of her fight for self, Dr. Golomb plumbs the depths of this problem, revealing its mysterious hold on the affairs of otherwise bright, aware, motivated, and worthy people. Trapped in the Mirror explores.
- the nature of the paralysis and lack of motivation so many adults feel
- stress and its role in exacerbating childhood wrongs
- why do many of our relationships seem to be "reruns" of the past
- how one's body image can be formed by faulty parenting
- how anger must be acknowledge to be overcome
- and, most important, how even the most traumatized self can be healed.
Rooted in a profoundly humanist traditional approach, and suffused with the benefit of the latest knowledge about intrafamily relationships, Trapped in the Mirror offers more than the average self-help book; it is truly the first self-heal book for millions.
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Customer Reviews
Great Book for Search of Self 
2007-11-23
Elan Golomb's "Trapped in the Mirror" revealed the narcissism in the intrafamily relationships and struggle for self. This book is very important to understand ourselves as individuals. Are we independent or dependent individuals? Do we have our own "self" or a "self" created by our parents? This book brings about those issues and addressed the issue of narcissism in us, as well in others.
Narcissism is self-centered, and a narcissist sees the world as one wanted to see, not as it is. A narcissist has no care for others, but only for the self. Since we are living in a narcissist society, we would have some narcissistic traits in ourselves and it became so without our being aware of them. Some of these traits include shamelessness, wishful thinking, arrogance, envy, entitlement, exploitation, and bad boundaries (there is more on these traits in detail in Why Is It Always About You? : The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism by Sandy Hotchkiss). When we can observe ourselves with the knowledge in this book, we can find these traits in ourselves and choose not to give into or identified with these traits.
The important issue from this book, in my opinion, is the state of "invisible force." An invisible force is the irrational influence one screened with many rationalizations and it is "what holds [one] back and prompts the most peculiar behavior" (p. 48). It is what holds us back from achieving our goals or maintaining our direction in life. It is the one that compels us to quit rather than to see it through. May it be a career, a project, or a relationship. An example of this would be a self-defeating tactic. This is common to which we had experiences with an invisible force in some instances of our lives. By being aware of this invisible force and know that it is not our conscience, we can choose not to give in to this force. The author stated that "giving in has the spirit of surrender in which you please the other by disregarding your self" (p. 236). When we do give in to an invisible force, we would become weaker and lessen our sense of self. But, when we fight the force and take a stand, we solidify our self-identity. Golomb pointed out that "a sense of self develops from interaction with people and from deeds that set you on the road" (p. 219). Our actions do indeed shape who we are.
When we are with other individuals, we tend to see some traits in them that we do not want to see in ourselves. The people whom we most dislike or uncomfortable with are the ones whose traits that we are denying in ourselves. In Golomb's study, "to free herself, [one] needs to know in her guts, not merely in her head, that what she hates in others is the weakness she finds in herself" (p. 109). This will help us to understand that these hateful traits we must confront in order to achieve a lesson and grow. Traits are parts of our personalities. We can choose certain traits to become part of our personalities, but we can also choose not to let certain traits to control us. But, they certainly can influence us. In a sense, we can choose what trait we can act on and what trait we choose not to act on, but we cannot deny any traits of ourselves, which is considered to be hidden aspects of ourselves.
With my humble opinion, "Trapped in the Mirror" is to be highly recommended, and a great book for those whom seek one's self.
Looking in the mirror 
2007-11-12
This book was helpful in illuminating my own narcissistic traits and also recognized those of family and friends. The author gives examples that I could relate to, and much food for thought.
Excellent book, well-written and full of useful advice for all. 2007-11-11
To some degree we are all the product of a narcissistic upbringing. Yes, it sounds surprising to see such clinical terms to describe the characteristics of `normal' people but in her book, Elan Golomb clearly illustrates how we are all searching for our true selves. It is only by reading texts like this that we can break free from negative selfish behaviour that is ultimately to our own and humanities detriment. There are some very wise words throughout the book and it represents a valuable tool to becoming independent beings.
Golomb describes how decisions and behaviour we have are still based on our parents, teachers and leaders voices, long since they have left our immediate influence. She describes this as the negative introject. It is the inner voice that tells use we are not worthy of success, that we will fail or we will make fools of ourselves if we attempt something that our true self knows will bring us benefit. This is the enemy that we must defeat in order to truly be able to act for ourselves. All in all this is an excellent book, well-written and full of useful advice for all.
Helpful 2007-11-09
I found this book a little hard to read but very helpful. I was able to identify my narcissistic traits inherited from my upbringing, which before always eluded identification because I had no way to recognise them. When traits like these are recognised, it puts you in a better position to observe, and eventually minimize their influences. This book may not be difinitive, but It provided a means to see these influences at work witin myself, and possibly to break/weaken my family's cycle of narcissism from infecting my children. A good read if you can stay with it.
Most helpful! 2007-10-27
After reading "The narcissistic family", this book followed on and gave more examples that I found useful. The many case studies and personal examples resonated with me and my own upbringing and provided more insights into the traits of personality adopted by growing up in a narcissistic family.
Well worth reading if you are on the path of self discovery and if you resonate with the descriptions given of the child of a narcissist.
Enlightening and Disturbing 2008-06-11
I got this book on the recommendation of a friend and am not disappointed. Just depressed. Well, not exactly, and I haven't finished it yet, in spite of reading until 4:30 AM last night. It's quite descriptive of the narcissist's character and his/her effect on his/her children. I've been assured that I will be given tools in the book to work with these issues and am looking forward to finishing it. I feel confident rating it at this point because I find it so compelling and enlightening.
Rich, indepth study of narcisssism 2008-03-11
I have been searching for some time to find a readable book on this subject and how to understand how living with a narcisstic parent has affected my life. This is the book! Golomb takes a psychoanalytic approach that is very helpful in understanding the development of this personality disorder and how it affects others. As a child of a narcissist, it was painful to read but helpful in understanding how this has affected my life and relationships. A clearer understanding has allowed for personal transformation to occur.
Snapshots of Reflections 
2008-03-06
Some of the common criticisms I've read about this book are its lack of practical advice and somewhat personal focus. To compare it to more recent books on narcissism and deride its shortcomings is somewhat unfair, as there is an immense amount of useful information and observation here. It was the first book on narcissism/NPD that I read, and many of the statements in the book hit home with an unusual degree of emotional impact. The case descriptions are extremely useful - a person probably won't find an exact reflection of themselves in there, but the various aspects that do seem relevant can be combined into some startling insights about the self, and the motivations and mechanisms that one might normally think are otherwise "conscious", or "just the way I am".
Sometimes "just the way we are" is how we have been made, not how we REALLY are.
Golomb also combines the information provided with her own personal struggle to overcome the effects of narcissistic wounding. This is going to be something that not every reader will like. Some will like the emotional honesty and think it relevant; others will find it distracting and too subjective. To each their own. Each time I have read the book, I did notice my attention wandering more after the half-way mark. Perhaps the latter sections of the book could be more tightly edited, but I don't feel this detracts from the first half, which is really good.
In any case, it's not the sort of book that you should read all in one sitting, and it helps to keep close attention on your own reactions to some of the words as they are read. Skim reading certainly doesn't encourage the sort of introspection needed to really benefit from a book like this!
I don't know if I would recommend this as THE book about narcissism/NPD, but it certainly should be on the reading list of anybody with more than a passing interest in the topic. You might be surprised at what you find "Trapped in the Mirror"!
Lots of "stories" but not much to glean from them 
2008-02-18
I found this book to be very disappointing. While there were some informative bits here and there, too much of the book was filled with stories... "stories" about people that are narcissists or who have someone in their life that is. And through all the stories, I didn't feel there was anything to learn. After reading 1/3 of the book, I flipped through the rest, looking for any nuggets, and found very few... certainly not enough to read the book completely from beginning to end.
Well Worth Reading! 2007-12-07
This book is one that really gets to the heart of the problems and difficulties children of narcissists face. Several examples of the effects of parental narcissism, though painful to read, really illustrate just how the child's identity and self worth are crushed. This in turn can lead to the continuation of these unhealthy patterns from one generation to the next. The author shows how to begin the process of healing and how to break the patterns. As our society seems to be one of rampant narcissism, this book is tremendously helpful for almost anyone , as most people will have experienced some degree of narcissistic parenting. If you are working towards healing yourself, I highly recommend this book.
