Editorial Review
How do today's parents cope when the dreams we had for our children clash with reality? What can we do for our twenty- and even thirty-somethings who can't seem to grow up? How can we help our depressed, dependent, or addicted adult children, the ones who can't get their lives started, who are just marking time or even doing it? What's the right strategy when our smart, capable "adultolescents" won't leave home or come boomeranging back? Who can we turn to when the kids aren't all right and we, their parents, are frightened, frustrated, resentful, embarrassed, and especially, disappointed?
In this groundbreaking book, a social psychologist who's been chronicling the lives of American families for over two decades confronts our deepest concerns, including our silence and self-imposed sense of isolation, when our grown kids have failed to thrive. She listens to a generation that "did everything right" and expected its children to grow into happy, healthy, successful adults. But they haven't, at least, not yet -- and meanwhile, we're letting their problems threaten our health, marriages, security, freedom, careers or retirement, and other family relationships.
With warmth, empathy, and perspective, Dr. Adams offers a positive, life-affirming message to parents who are still trying to "fix" their adult children -- Stop! She shows us how to separate from their problems without separating from them, and how to be a positive force in their lives while getting on with our own. As we navigate this critical passage in our second adulthood and their first, the bestselling author of I'm Still Your Mother reminds us that the pleasures and possibilities of postparenthood should not depend on how our kids turn out, but on how we do!
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Customer Reviews
So now what?? 
2006-12-19
Adams spends a lot of time describing cases but offers very little in solutions. I know now where we are; we just need directions back.
Boomer specific 
2006-08-15
It was specific to the baby boomer parents. So older parents would not benefit from this book. More often than not, it stated the obvious, rather than giving helpful suggestions.
A Lifealtering book 
2005-10-26
This book has been the best thing I have done for myself in years. I have passed it on to several others who feel the same way. It's MUST reading for a generation dealing with adult children and their inevitable problems.
How this book can help 
2005-07-05
This book doesn't cover ALL the bases (does any one book when it comes to human relationships?)but it does an excellent job.
What I found particularly helpful:
The statistics and research that indicate that MANY young adults have MORE problems than ever before, which made me realize that parents are not alone in their struggles. The author notes cultural and social pressures that can lead children from strong families down the wrong path (although she is clear that sometimes parents DO make mistakes and that the root cause of problems may be a combination of factors).
An emphasis on a broad look at the many forces that can cause problems, from peer pressure to societal changes.
A STRONG focus on living in the HERE and NOW, rather than obsessing about past mistakes.
Lots of real life examples, showing how parents dealt with truly difficult situations.
No "one answer fits all" solutions. Instead, the author's style is brisk and open, inviting the reader to think about the issue, rather than arrive at definite answers.
This is an easy read and I got through it in one day, although I think several sections deserve rereading. I intend to keep it on my bookshelf and turn to it again, for inspiration, advice and comfort.
I also intend to read other books on the subject, as I want to get different viewpoints and perspectives.
Please take some responsibility for your actions 2004-10-21
This book was a wonderful escapist read -- escape from my own culpability in being an angry, overworked, abusive mother. I know it's unusual for we "baby boomers" to actually admit this, but I find it a much better way to relate to my adult kids -- they're not perfect, but I sure wasn't a parent who "did everything right".
If increasing numbers of our generation are finding our children "disappointing", let's actually take some responsibility and realize, "Hey, maybe I sucked at raising kids!" Forgive yourself, or don't forgive yourself, but, for once, let's step away from the denial on-the-rocks and admit that "spanking" our kids in rage (and in the face, and with objects other than our hands) is abuse. Screaming abusive comments about their failures as children certainly hasn't contributed to their success as adults.
Lastly, I'd like to say that there are many wonderful parents of our generation (my best girlfriend, for example) who's children did turn out to be so-called "failures". For those folks, this book may or may not help you assuage your misplaced guilt.
For me, and many parents like me, that guilt is placed squarely where it should be -- on us.
I urge you : if your kids are failures or they aren't but want nothing to do with you -- look at your own actions. If you are so thoroughly steeped in denial that you really believe you were a great parent, please get help. If you don't want to do that, then give up on the idea of having any type of meaningful relationship with your adult kids -- it won't happen.
Great book 2008-07-19
Every parent with grown or almost grown children should read this book even if their kids haven't dissapointed them.
Well Worth Reading!! 2008-05-05
This book is possibly one of the best books I have ever read.
I feel that the author knows my step-daughter as well as I do if not better.
Highly recommended reading!!!!
Excellent, solid advice, well written 2008-04-09
Despite the indulgent and rather cheezy-sounding title, this is a sensible, well-written book with a nice balance between general discussions and anecdotal accounts of "horror stories" of parents confronting difficult choices in dealing with grown children who can't seem to grow up. I checked a few books on the subject, and this was by far the most useful.
Validating and Empowering! 2007-09-30
This book helped me understand and accept that my kids could swallow my life up whole UNINTENTIONALLY and really get in the way of me doing the things that I really want to do in my life.
I have always believed that it is in my kids best interest for me to raise them exactly the same way I was (at least in certain areas). So, I paid for their college education, gave them each a Visa, bought them cars, offered to pay for graduate schools, trips, insurance, etc.
What I inadvertently created, thinking I was acting in their best interest as those things were helpful to me at their age, were two kids - one with an alcohol problem and the other who's really dependent on others to do everything for him.
Don't get me wrong, they are great kids overall - these are just two aspects that have been challenging to handle.
In any event, when I discovered my son had an alcohol problem - I changed my tune in a hurry. Part of the reason he has this illness is that he has a lot of pain in his life that he's not dealing with. However, my contribution to it has been to give him too much money so he has the funds to binge drink as well as make his life so easy for him that it was enabling him rather than empowering him.
He is in denial and doesn't realize the issue. This book helped me be okay with that, realize I've done all I could by offering him treatment, etc - and that I have a life that I deserve enjoying. And that's a good thing!
With the other one, I learned that most likely I may watch him "shoot himself in the foot" over and over again. I do my best to offer him my guidance ahead of time when he wants it but usually he's a lot smarter than me he says.
So, again, I've learned that he'll do it his way and that's okay.
Again, I'm free to live my life knowing I'll help both of them to the extent they want me to that works with MY life.
There are so many parents with varied experiences on this theme. The first part of the book talks about experiences similar to mine.
The second half, though, is where I really realized that I'm okay and in fact doing good by them AND by me.
My only criticism is the word "disappoint" in the title. I didn't relate to that word personally as I didn't feel disappointed - confused, challenged, angry yes. Not disappointed because that implies expectations and I really didn't have any.
Very validating, helpful and empowering for me as a parent and as a person who deserves to enjoy their life.
excellent book 2007-06-27
i felt that the book gave alot of insight into the issues that confront parents about how to handle the difficult situations that our adult children expect us to be partners in solving their problems. they hold us accountable for thr mistakes and that tends to tear their relationship with us apart.
