The Verbally Abusive Relationship. How to Recognize it and How to Respond

Customer Reviews

Not all Abusers are Men, Not all victims are women

2008-08-27
I often lend this book because I believe the insights will be a great relief to those who, like I once did, constantly adjust to criticism until they feel they are dancing to a tune played by a crazy person. In my first marriage, I read every book on relationships, saw at least five different marriage counselors with my husband, and heard lots of horrible advice, often from people whose own marriages were miserable.

This is an perceptive author who helps discern that some couples are not really couples, and some arguments are situations where the "winner" gets to continue to argue, because venting on their partner is the sole purpose of the argument, regardless of what the subject appears to be, and any attempt to resolve the argument is a threat to the "relationship."

The one area where the author has been a disappointment is in her certainty that all or nearly all abusers are men, and all victims of abuse are women. This sad stereotype is completely untrue, and it is a disservice to good men and all women to perpetuate it.

Therefore, if you are a man, remember that for most of the last century, it was considered proper and preferred form for writers to use the words "he, him, and his" to mean "he or she, him or her, and his or hers" Gender neutral writing was considered awkward, unnecessary, and silly. Women found it difficult sometimes to remember that "he" could be a woman, but we read and learned from those books anyway.

Please allow your 21st century understanding to recognize that in every case, "He" could be "Her" and if you are a man, then "She" could be you.

This book saved my soul

2008-08-07
Verbal abuse kills your soul one word at a time. This book helped me realize that no amount of explaining on my part would ever get through to my husband how his words damaged me and others. After 20 years, it hit me that he will never change. Please realize that verbal abusers can be women as well as men (the author doesn't emphasize this enough). All in all, this is the most helpful book I have ever read. It saved my life and my soul.Too Good for Her Own Good: Searching for Self and Intimacy in Important Relationships

Instrumental in My Recovery

2008-05-19
This book was instrumental in my recovery during and after divorce. It was given to me by a coworker who had read it and found it most helpful. I had no idea that verbal abuse was this prevalant in our society. The book really helped me gain insight into my ex husband and consistently provided me with reassurance that I made the right decision to leave the relationship. Please consider purchasing The Verbally Abusive Relationship for yourself or for someone you love. I am buying a third copy to give to a coworker whose sister is just emerging from a toxic relationship. This book was the key that opened the door to my new life.

Life-changing book

2008-05-02
This book was like reading a chapter out of my life. When I read the checklist on behaviors, and could check 7 or 8 things off, I knew I had to act to change my life. I would read a passage and say, "Oh my God, that is me." I felt the worst when I read about what living in a verbally abusive relationship does to my children. I wish I could have started the response techniques that were written, but after 25 years, I figured it was too late to start. He has moved out, and I am beginning to find peace in my own home. I don't know what the future holds, but I will never be treated like that again!

Doesn't address alcoholism

2008-04-01
The book is good for what it's worth, but it doesn't address alcoholism at all. The first thing a partner of a verbal abuser should consider is whether there is alcoholism involved. Then it's a whole other issue!

Verbal Abuse and Alcoholism

2008-02-21
If you or someone you know answers "yes" to one or more of the following questions, this book is required reading:

Does your partner seem irritated or angry at you several times a week?
Does he deny being angry when he clearly is?
Do your attempts to discuss feelings of pain or emotional distress leave you with the feeling that the issue has not been resolved?
Do you frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by his responses, as though you were each speaking a different language?

Almost everyone has heard of or knows someone who is part of a verbally abusive relationship-if they're not involved in one themselves. In The Verbally Abusive Relationship, you'll find validation and understanding-it's "not all in your head"-and encouragement for your efforts to change the situation. In this expanded second edition, author Patricia Evans explores the damaging effects of verbal abuse on children and the family, and offers valuable insight and recommendations to therapists, as well as those who seek therapeutic support.

Review: "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" 2008-02-15
This book is phenomenal! Whether you are the perpetrator of the abuse or the victim of it, you will find solid information about -- and vital insights into -- this sometimes insidious problem. If you haven't already recognized a verbally abusive relationship that you are in, you will see it immediately upon reading Patricia Evans' book. If you have realized that you are being verbally abused, you will learn how to effectively respond to it. And, then, when it's all said and done, as a knowing victim of the abuse, you will see that this book will offer you the tremendously needed hope that you can and will recover. I highly recommend this book.

Lollipop version 2008-02-13
I DO recommend this book for anyone questioning their relationship for verbal abuse. I was a bit disappointed by the lollipop/bubblegum examples given for relationship discussions, but they were obvious enough to be understood and can easily be applied with some adjustments. I just felt that it seemed directed to people who were older rather than the general middle age group. I have other books from this author which I will be reading as well and hope to get more insight out of the material written.

Hard to define, but the book somehow defines the meaning of "abusive relationship" 2008-01-24
First off, let me start by saying that I'm a guy. I had a time in my life where I became someone I didn't want to be. I somehow lost my way, and I was becoming the "verbal abuser" described in this book until I realized that I was turning into a monster and changed all of that. Knowing if you're in an abusive relationship is extremely hard, especially since there are usually no witnesses to the abusive behavior. I can tell you from experience that everything Patricia Evans says about "verbal abusers" is completely true and she does a wonderful job explaining it. I've seen reviews from guys where they say that the book is a whole bunch of dangerous lies. Just like the author says, these "abusers" try to mitigate anything that shows them as an abuser. This is why you see such reviews. Unfortunately, not everyone has seen the error of his/her ways like I have.

This book is extremely informative. It not only allows you to diagnose your partner to see if he/she is abusive, but it also explains why, how come and shows basically every scenario possible so all your questions are answered. For any of you that even THINK you may be in an abusive relationship, guy or girl, I strongly suggest this book. After all, 1 out of 3 women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime (source:www.ndvh.org). This book probably saved my friend's life because she was that 1 out of 3 and it just pained me to see her so helpless. I owe the author so much just for that. I now recommend this book to anyone that has problems with abuse. Thank you so much, Patricia Evans.

This book changed my life 2008-01-03
I've never written an Amazon review before, but this book changed my life and I feel the need to share.

Abuse isn't always obvious - sometimes it's very subtle and insidious. This book helps you see through the fog and gives words to what you are feeling.

If you even *think* you might be in an abusive relationship, get this book.