Customer Reviews
On recommending to clients and others 
2008-03-27
I'm echoing some of what others have written, but I think this book was very helpful in my own development from an over-40 single woman to now a very happily married 50-year-old woman. I am also a marriage family therapist and keep this in my office. I have recommended it to some clients, particularly ones struggling with figuring out the boundaries in relationships and between people. I know there's more to just that in the book, but I think this is one of the most helpful aspects that clients have resonated with (and told me about).
I have studied zen buddhism off and on for years and many of the ideas found in that philosophy are encapsulated for a western audience in this book. Although I suggest mindfulness and/or meditation to certain clients, too, sometimes it's easier to read about it in a book like this than to take the leap and just arrive at a meditation center for the first time.
Of course I have some clients who probably wouldn't do well with a book like this and I wouldn't suggest it to them - either they just don't read much or at all, or it would be something to hit their partner over the head with. I once had a client who proclaimed during a couples session that his/her partner just wasn't providing the Five A's and that was why he/she needed to dump them, which was news to the partner! Since then, I've learned to suss out where a client's motivation might lie, because anything "good" can be mis-used and made "bad".
Overall, though, this is a book I definitely recommend and even buy for friends and loved ones. It's one of the best on relationships, for those who can keep the focus on themselves and be honest about their relationships.
A great book and a cut above the usual "self-help" fare 2008-02-10
I liked this book so much that I bought a bunch of copies and gave them out to friends. What higher praise can I give than that? It would be a better world if everyone read it and took it to heart.
I saw the reviews that criticized the book for being wordy and over the heads of regular people. Well, I guess people that need something super easy to read have a lot of other books out there that serve them. For me personally, this book gave a higher and more satisfying level of information than was available elsewhere. I found the writing to be quite simple and straightforward, and did not encounter a single word that I didn't know. The ideas that were presented within these simple words, however, were big. I did not encounter the usual frustration that I find with books that are so focused on faddish, simplistic theories that they just aren't helpful. Many books out there seem to frame everything through the lens of some specific trendy disorder, addiction, or whatever, failing to grasp the larger picture. This one is more universal in its appeal. I might have liked it even better if it were a little more challenging, but I see that you can't please everyone.
Best book on growing up I have ever read! 2008-02-06
If you just want to get your way, then this book is not for you.
I'm a 62 years old widower looking for a partner to share love with. We are both reading this book and working on our relationship in light of the loving mindfullness perspective. I think it makes all the difference and therefore, have purchased about 10 copies for my kids and friends. Some people may think it redundant and dense but it makes perfect sense if you have been beat up by life and who hasn't. It may not meet all your needs but then, it could open you up to living an abundant joyfull life. Small price big rewards!
Pain need not be a deep dark hole. It can be a tunnel to a richer life. I very highly recommend this book to anyone serious about have an adult relationship.
disappointing 
2007-11-03
I read a lot of books on relationships for my work as a therapist. Additionally, I have practiced and studied mindfulness meditation myself. Richo tries to blend his ideas on these two human experiences, but not as well as I had hoped.
The book is wordy, redundant, verbose. I suggested it to a client before I had completed it and she rejected it after a few pages saying to me, "I'd have to get a graduate degree to understand some of the terms." Not good.
Next time, I'll be suggesting the works of Harriet Lerner.
Tough read for some, but worth the effort if you can do it 
2007-07-16
This book can be rather esoteric. Particularly initially. I'd review it carefully before recommending to clients. Similar in underlying philosophy to EFT.
Intimacy and how to achieve it 2007-05-09
"Most people think of love as a feeling," says David Richo, "but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present." In this book, Richo offers a fresh perspective on love and relationships—one that focuses not on finding an ideal mate, but on becoming a more loving and realistic person. Drawing on the Buddhist concept of mindfulness,
How to Be an Adult in Relationships explores five hallmarks of mindful loving and how they play a key role in our relationships throughout life:
Attention to the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships.
Acceptance of ourselves and others just as we are.
Appreciation of all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament.
Affection shown through holding and touching in respectful ways.
Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control. When deeply understood and applied, these five simple concepts—what Richo calls the five A's—form the basis of mature love. They help us to move away from judgment, fear, and blame to a position of openness, compassion, and realism about life and relationships. By giving and receiving these five A's, relationships become deeper and more meaningful, and they become a ground for personal transformation.
how to be an adult in relationships 2007-04-12
We all live in relationship to someone whether we are single, married or in a partnership. this book is one of the most useful I have ever read in its explanation of what is really going on in relationships and is a must for anyone who wants to dramatically improve theirs and truly understand the purpose for which they were created . the five keys to mindful loving if practised faithfully will heal the world.
If this was required reading for everyone on the planet... 2007-03-25
...our individual lives, all relationships, and the world would be magnificent beyond anything we've so far imagined or believed could be possible. High and deserved praise for this book.
I read this book a few years ago and refer to it time and again to not only remind myself but also to share with friends regarding their relationships. This book is like having multiple books in one. I'd like to write some highlights for you, but the entire book is a highlight. Some samplings, however, of this great book...
"Here are the words of an adult: "Even though you please me sexually, even though we have been together so long, even though I don't know whether I will ever find somone else, I have to let you go because you do not meet me at my soul/adult level." "Here are the words of a codependent: "Because you please me sexually, because we have been together so long, because I don't know whether I will ever find someone else, I can't let you go-- even though you do not meet me at my soul/adult level."
"As adolescents, we were taught that the way to tell we are in love is by our loss of control, our loss of will, and a compelling sense that we could not have done otherwise. This falling in love contrasts with the reality of rising in love with conscious choice, sane fondness, intact boundaries, and ruthless clarity." Referring to the former, Richo adds, "...that kind of reaction is actually a signal from the needy child within, telling us what we need to work on, not directing us to our rescuer."
"Love can be confused with clinging that is welcomed by the other, sexual desire that is satisfied by the other, or neediness that is fulfilled by the other. Love can even be confused with dependence, surrender, conquest, submission, dominance, gratification, fascination, pain, or addiction. I may feel that I love you because you love me, or will not leave me, or will not let me feel lonely, or will not make me feel anything. I may feel I love you and say it with passion when I am mostly reacting to the way my own needs are being met through you. I may say "I love you" and simply mean, " I am attached to you and it feels good."
I cannot recommend this book highly enough. It's brilliant and, if you allow, it can serve as a roadmap to loving authentically and being authentically loved beyond what most people know or have the awareness to imagine as being possible. Divorce rates being what they are and the desire, still, to spend our lives with one person who "sees" us, accepts us, and loves us, this book answers the call for how to get it right.
Richo's other books are also brilliant.
Peace.
To Be Somebody to Others. 2007-02-03
Only Baptists and some Pentacostals believe it is a sin to dance. Poets calls dance as "making love to music." That's esoteric and not like physical love. Growing up Baptist, I did not learn to dance. But no one has to have professional lessons to express the music within them. At a free "big band" dance, I was asked by a college student where I had learned to dance. I told her that I never had, it was just the music coming out in my own special way and style. "Letting go of ego" is essential in any relationship. Not only do we have to appreciate, another adjective for value, the other person, but we have to be able to show it in a practical way. Many will not accept a gushy expression of how much they mean to you. They simply refuse to acknowledge that you simply don't know me when, for six years, you have learned to know and care deeply for that individual. If he still refuses to believe your devotion and caring, it is only his bad luck and ignorance.
Sam asked me once: "Betty, do you write?" I answered honestly, "No, I just write reviews on Amazon.com." Sam calmed my inner turmoil when I was publicly humiliated in his presence. Sam quotes Henry David Thoreau, "many men go gishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after." In 1982, my brother spent time with his troubled teen grandson who said of me "She is pretty." They went fishing. Though Ralph was uneducated in books, he was a master at endurance and perserverance in the ongoing education at the school of hard knocks. Thanks to Sam for letting me share good memories from the past and not-so-good from three years ago in the park.
There are many types of relationships: acquaintances, friends to be offish to, friends to allow into your heart, children, grandchildren, ex-husbands who still want to control you after 26 years apart. I could go on and on about relationships. We have them whether we want them or not. We can't hide our heads in the sand as the ostrich and pretend the other person does not exist. There are ways to care for a person without being involved sexually. But men don't know that yet.
Wonderful Thoughtful Guide 2007-01-19
I love this book. I have read it or portions of it several times in the three years since I bought it. Lots of solid, useful reflections on being both self-aware and "other"-aware for relationships of all types.
